Never Go In Without Backup
by CPDxOTHLove
Summary: Erin goes into a raid without backup, and an injury changes her life forever. Linstead :)
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1,

"Vest up," Voight called out to the team. He was standing next to the white board, and had just finished outlining the raid plan to his team. They had been working this case for over a week, everyone looked worn out and exhausted. If all went according to plan, though, they would get to the warehouse just in time to apprehend the drugs, and they would have an early day. They could leave the paperwork until tomorrow.

Erin, who had just stood from her desk, felt her cell phone buzz in her pocket. "Hello," she answered. The team stopped moving, waiting and listening to hear if the call pertained to the case. "Umm... yes." She looked at her watch briefly, and waved a hand at Halstead, signaling for him to come to her desk. "Yeah, one of us will be right there." She hung up, and turned to Halstead and Voight. "That was the daycare. Soph's sick, she needs to be picked up." She tilted her head to the side apologetically, knowing this couldn't have come at a worse time.

"Halstead, you can get her." Voight nodded his head towards Halstead. "You probably gave it to her, you look like crap."

Halstead was about to object, when Erin rested a hand on his arm. "He's right," she said. "Go home, rest up." She squeezed his arm gently, and turned towards the locker room to vest up.

"Ride with me, kid." Voight said, walking behind Erin. Erin put her vest on, as she listened to Voight outline the small adjustment to the plan. "Halstead's out, Lindsay's riding with me. That means Atwater, Ruzek, you'll have to cover Lindsay when she enters in the side of the building. Instead of you all going in at the same time, I want you two go in the front entrance first, and move towards the side as you clear the building." He turned to face Erin, "Lindsay, give them 30 seconds before you go in."

"You got it, Boss," Ruzek answered, getting into the drivers side of his car.

Erin got in beside Voight, and they all drove towards the warehouse. In order to go undetected, each pair parked their cars at different ends of the warehouse. They all quickly got into position, and waited Voight's signal.

"Everyone in position?" Voight's voice came through everyone's ear pieces, and they all responded affirmatively. "Go."

Immediately, they sprang into action. Erin watched the second hand on her watch, giving Ruzek and Atwater the allotted thirty seconds to begin clearing the front of the building and move in her direction. When the thirty seconds was up, she whispered into the microphone, "I'm going in." She opened the side door the warehouse, her gun raised in position. She walked slowly down the empty hallway. She had studied the blueprints of the building, and she knew how to get to the main room. She moved slowly in that direction. Their informant had outlined the positions of the guards, and the location of the drugs, which were in a truck in the main room. The guards were placed more heavily towards the front, two were stationed at the back, with one guard beyond this empty hallway, stationed at the side of the room. With everyone else getting a head start, the room should be more than covered when she got there. She would provide back up if needed, and she should be able to take care of the lone guard.

She approached the end of the hallway, and listened through the door. She didn't hear anything, but that hadn't surprised her. The door was thick. What did surprise her, however, was that she heard nothing through her radio. "Hello?" She whispered into the microphone. No one responded. She pulled the earpiece out, and analyzed it. The green light that was usually present when the microphone was working was no longer lit. _Shit_ , she thought. _It must be the battery._

She paused at the door. She wasn't sure what to do. Going in blind without a partner, without an earpiece... Voight would be pissed. But she couldn't leave her team alone in there. If the guard or anyone tried to run out the side door to escape them, everything could get out of hand. She decided to press on, and opened the door slowly.

As she stepped through the door, she assessed the situation quickly. Ruzek and Atwater were standing at the front door. Two or three guards were down, one guard had a gun pointed at Ruzek. Atwater had a gun pointed at the guard, handling the situation. At the other corner of the room, Olinsky and Burgess had all the guards handcuffed and were slowly, guns drawn, approaching the truck with the drugs. Voight, who had come in from behind, was approaching the truck from the other side.

She shifted her gaze back to Ruzek and Atwater, and allowed the sight of Ruzek with a gun pointed at him to distract her for a moment. It was at that moment she realized she hadn't taken down her guard, she hadn't even seen one.

She turned back, and her eyes widened when she saw a large man dressed in all black standing ten feet in front of her, his gun pointed directly at her. She opened her mouth to speak, but it was too late. He pulled the trigger, and it hit her square in the shoulder. The pain was unbelievable, and the momentum from the bullet forced her backwards. She fell, and on the way down, she hit her head hard against the corner of the door she had just come through.

"ERIN!" Voight yelled. At the sound of the bullet and Voight's screams, Atwater watched as the guard with his gun on Ruzek shifted his eyes. It was only for a moment, but Atwater took advantage of it and shot him. At the same time, Olinsky took out the guard that had shot Erin. Now that all the offenders were taken care of, the entire team rushed to Erin's side.

Voight, getting their first, reached for Erin, yelling her name over and over. He shook her, begging for her to wake up. He pressed two fingers to her neck, feeling for her carotid pulse. He breathed a sigh of relief when he felt it, weak but present. He held her in his arms as they waited for the ambulance to arrive. She opened her eyes for a moment, and Voight watched as her lips tried to form words. No sound came, but he already knew who she was asking for. His heart broke when her eyes closed again, and he leaned down to kiss her forehead. A tear fell from his eyes, as he continued to hold his daughter tight.

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 **Please review :)**

 **Also - if you are a fan of OTH, check out my Chicago PD and OTH crossover. It's called "All the way in". It's mostly Linstead with OTH for background and drama! Hope you enjoy it, xo**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow! Thanks for all the follows, favorites, and reviews :) Hope you enjoy this chapter**!

Chapter 2,

Jay stood in his kitchen, sipping slowly from a bottle of water. If he wanted to kick whatever it was he had, he knew he needed to drink fluids. He had just put Sophie down in her crib. She fussed the whole car ride, but she must have just been over tired, because it only took two minutes of rocking her before she fell into a deep sleep. He closed the bottle of water and returned it to the fridge. He decided a nap sounded pretty good, and he began to walk towards his bedroom when he heard an urgent knock at the door.

He hadn't been expecting anyone. Who even knew that he was home in the middle of the day? He walked towards the door, and opened it to reveal a very out of breath Kim Burgess. "Kim," he said slowly, with a foreboding tone. He knew right away what this was. She wasn't dead. If she was dead, Kim wouldn't look out of breath, she would attempt to be composed. And if she was dead, it probably wouldn't be Kim at the door. "What happened? Where's Erin?" He pulled Kim into the house, waiting for her to respond.

"She's at Chicago Med. She was shot. I'm here to watch Sophie. Adam is waiting in the car for you. Go." Jay looked out his door and into his driveway, and saw Adam sitting in the drivers seat of the car. Without another word to Kim, without his keys or wallet, without his coat, he ran towards the car.

Adam didn't say anything to Jay during the drive to the hospital, and for that Jay was grateful. He couldn't speak. He should never have left work. He shouldn't have left Erin without backup. They _never_ go in without backup. He didn't know what happened, but he knew it was his fault. If Erin had gone to pick up Sophie, this never would have happened. He felt fine. He should have insisted that he could stay at work, that he wasn't sick.

He was going to be sick now, though. But it had nothing to do with the cold he was fighting, and everything to do with Erin lying in a hospital bed.

Adam pulled the car up to the Emergency Department entrance, and Jay jumped out. He immediately spotted his brother, "Will," he yelled across the busy room. In the corners of his vision, he saw Maggie and April giving him sad, pitying glances. At that moment, it occurred to him that maybe she was dead. Erin may not have been dead when she got here, but she might be dead now.

Will rushed over to his brother, immediately giving him all the information he knew. "Erin was shot in the shoulder, but the damage to the shoulder wasn't actually that bad." Will lead with the good news, ushering Jay to a chair as he spoke . "But on her way down, she hit her head. CT scans showed a bleed in her brain. She's in surgery now."

Jay collapsed in the chair, his head in his hands. He closed his eyes, shoving back the tears threatening to fall. "Is she going to be okay?" He asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I hope so," Will placed his hand protectively on his brother's shoulder, more for himself than for Jay. He knew nothing would comfort his brother right now. "Let me take you to the ICU waiting room. That is where they are going to bring Erin after surgery, and the rest of the team is there."

Will walked with Jay to the ICU waiting room, where they joined the rest of the team. Jay walked towards Voight, who was sitting on a chair, his hands and clothes covered in blood, staring blankly at the wall in front of him.

When Voight noticed Jay, he rose to his feet. He knew he owed Jay an explanation. This was his fault, after all. He let Erin go in alone. He modified the plan, but he had clearly done a piss poor job. "Jay," his usual low, gruff voice wavered, the hint of unsteadiness giving his feelings away.

Jay walked towards Voight and hugged him tightly. The evidence of Erin's injuries were displayed on Voight's hands, but with it was evidence that Voight had done everything he could to help her.

The team sat silently in the waiting room for what felt like hours. Finally, a doctor Jay didn't recognize approached the group. "Are you all the family of Erin-"

"Yes." Voight cut the doctor off. "I'm Erin's guardian." The doctor gave Voight a questioning look, and Voight realized immediately why...a thirty-three year old woman didn't exactly need a guardian. It was just habit. The last time he had been waiting for Erin in an ICU waiting room she had been 17, and he had been her guardian then.

"He's her father." Jay cut in. "I'm her husband. How is she?"

"The surgery was a success. Dr. Rhodes will come up shortly to discuss the surgery on her shoulder, but it was very minimal from my understanding. The brain bleed was very minor, and I was able to evacuate it fully." Jay immediately breathed a sigh of relief at the doctor's words. "That being said, I am going to administer medication to keep her intracranial pressure down, and I generally like to keep patients sedated for that. So I will administer a steady drip of sedatives, likely for the next 24-36 hours. If her pressures stay down, I will reverse the sedatives at that time and wake her up."

Jay's head was spinning with all of this information. Too overwhelmed to ask questions, he nodded his head and thanked the doctor.

"When can we see her?" Olinksy asked, from behind Jay.

"She is being brought to her room in the ICU as we speak. As I said, she won't be awake for at least 24-36 hours, but you are welcome to go and see her now. I can take you there." He turned and lead the group to her room. "I'll let Dr. Rhodes know where he can find you." The doctor said, and he left them alone to enter the room at their own pace.

Jay stepped in first. Aside from the sling covering her shoulder, and a small bandage towards the back of her head, Erin looked like she was sleeping. Back when Sophie was a baby, Jay used to take one of the night feedings to let Erin sleep. He used to come back to bed and watch Erin as she slept, she always looked most peaceful in the middle of the night. She looked peaceful now. He expected her to look uncomfortable, like she was in pain, and he felt was relieved knowing that she clearly wasn't. He moved to the side of her bed, and leaned down to kiss her. "Hi, Er." He whispered as he kissed her. "I'm here. I love you." He kept his cheek resting against her forehead for another minute before he pulled away, signaling that the rest of the team could come in and see her, too.

"Hey, kid." Hank walked over to Erin, and squeezed her hand in his. "You're going to be okay," He said, more to himself than to her. He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead, in a fatherly gesture he had done hundreds of times before.

While the rest of the team visited with his wife, Jay stepped out to call and update Kim. Sophie was up from her nap, and her and Kim were playing with Barbie's. "Soph must be in heaven," Sophie loved Barbies, and she loved when her Auntie Kim came over to play with her. "Thanks, Kim."

He hung up, just as Voight was walking out of Erin's hospital room. "I can stay with Erin," he began, "Or I can take Sophie tonight so you can. Up to you."

Jay thought about it. "Kim has everything taken care of for a while. I think I'll go home tonight. I want to see my daughter." He looked at Erin through the large glass doors of the ICU. "Can you take her tomorrow night? I want to be here when Erin wakes up." As the words came out, he realized that wasn't exactly fair to ask of Voight. But Voight nodded his agreement right away, and he turned back to Erin's room.

The next 24 hours passed uneventfully, as did the 12 hours after that. Late in the evening, the doctor came in to speak to Jay. Erin was stable, her pressures were good, and he finally felt comfortable weaning Erin off the sedatives. The doctor explained that the reversal would be slow, and Erin wouldn't likely wake up until the following day. Jay sat in the chair next to Erin's bed and held her hand, tears of happiness pooling in his eyes. He was so relieved to hear Erin would be okay. He hadn't slept since Kim had showed up at his door the day before, and he felt like he could finally breath. When the doctor left, he put his head down on Erin's bed, and within minutes he was asleep.

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The next morning, Voight dropped off Sophie at daycare and headed into the district. Sophie no longer had a fever, and the daycare agreed to take her after hearing what was going on with her mother. Jay had called him late last night updating him on Erin's condition, and informing him that Erin likely wouldn't wake up until later than afternoon, at the earliest. He texted the team, letting them know they were all to come in to work early the following morning.

By the time he got to the district, the rest of the team was already at their desks, waiting for further instruction. He looked over at Burgess and realized he probably should have given them a little more information in the message; she looked terrified that Voight had brought them in to give them bad news about Erin.

"Erin is being weaned off the sedatives now, everything looks good. She should be awake later today." He said, walking past all of them towards his office. "Everyone write out and sign your statements from the bust yesterday. I want everything wrapped up so we can head to the hospital by noon." He walked into his office, and closed the door. He watched through his door as everyone got to work, and he settled in to start his statement as well.

When he was halfway through, he allowed himself to look up at the frame picture sitting in the corner of his desk. It was a family photo, it had been taken at the park during one of the yearly police picnics. He had refused to wear the stupid t-shirt they told everyone to wear, but Camille, Erin, and Justin were all wearing the blue t-shirt proudly. There arms were all around each other and they were smiling up at the camera. Erin was seventeen in that picture.

He couldn't lose her. She was the only one left.

He shifted his gaze to the frame next to it. Erin had given him this frame for his birthday this past year. It held two pictures, side by side. The first was of him walking Erin down the aisle on her wedding day. The second, taken two years later, was a photo of him holding a very tiny Sophie in his arms. He smiled at the memory - Jay walking into the waiting room, with the biggest smile he had ever seen. _It's a girl!_ It was the only time Voight could remember getting good news in a hospital.

He took a slow steadying breath and closed his eyes. He needed todays hospital visit to bring good news.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3,

"How's she doing?" Voight walked into Erin's hospital room with the rest of the team. Dawson, who had the day off from his job in the district attorney's office, had offered to bring lunch to the hospital for everyone. His wife, Sylvie, was on a 24-hour shift at the firehouse, so he was happy not to spend the day alone. It had been years since Dawson had been in their unit, but he had remained a member of their family just the same.

"No change," Halstead stood from his chair and moved towards the door to greet his team. "The doctor says it could be any time now, though. We just have to wait." His patience was wearing thin, and he was glad to see the rest of the team. "How'd Soph do this morning?"

The night before, Sophie had thrown a tantrum at Voight's. Usually she loved having sleepover's at her grandpa's house, staying in her mommy's old room. But last night, she was just getting over being sick and she missed her parents. "Better," he replied, not taking his eyes off Erin. "I made chocolate chip pancakes, so that helped."

"I'm sure," Jay laughed and gave Voight a smile. Even with Erin's unchanged condition and his patience wearing thin, his precious girl never failed to make him smile.

There was no food allowed in the ICU rooms, and over the next hour, they all took turns eating in the cafeteria and having one-on-one time with a sleeping Erin. Finally, after all the food was finished, they gathered together in her room.

"You all don't have to wait here," Halstead was leaning against the wall in the back of his wife's room, eyeing the rest of the team. There were a limited number of chairs, and Adam and Kim were seated on the window ledge. Olinsky was also standing leaning against the wall, speaking to Voight who was sitting in a chair by Erin's bed. "I promise I will call you when she wakes up." He knew they weren't going to leave, but he wanted to give them the option. It could be a long day, he knew. He had been sitting in this room staring at Erin, willing her to wake up, for hours now. It wasn't easy.

"We're not going anywhere, man." Atwater said, speaking for the whole team. The rest of the team merely nodded their heads in agreement.

"But maybe a cup of coffee wouldn't hurt, though." Dawson spoke up, sensing it was getting a little crowded. "Halstead, Voight. Can we get you anything?" Dawson, Atwater, and Ruzek decided to run across the street to the Starbucks on the corner. Hospital coffee was almost as bad as the coffee at the district, and they knew Jay needed something to get him through the day. He looked exhausted. They wrote down everyone's orders, knowing Kim was going to want something fancy, and started across the street.

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Erin's regained consciousness slowly and immediately noticed that her head was killing her. She timidly blinked her eyes open, but the sunlight coming through the windows blinded her and she closed them again. She began to hear voices in the room. Most of the voices sounded faint and distant, but there was one voice she could hear clearly, like it was coming from right next to her. _Hank_ , she thought immediately _. I hope he isn't still mad at me_.

She forced herself to open her eyes, the brightness of the room causing her headache to worsen significantly. "Hank," she choked out his name, her voice hoarse. She looked around, and noticed she was in a hospital. Standing behind Hank, she noticed Alvin Olinsky leaning against the wall.

"Erin!" Jay had been talking to Kim by the window, but even with her quiet whisper, he heard Erin's voice loud and clear above all the ambient noise in the room. He rushed to her side, and grabbed her hand. He leaned into her, kissed her softly on the forehead. "Thank God." A tear fell from his eyes, he couldn't contain his emotions.

Jay was so caught up in his feelings of relief and happiness that he didn't notice Erin stiffen against him.

"Hank?" Erin said, louder this time. Hank looked over at her, and immediately sensed the fear in her eyes. Jay was gripping her hand tightly with his cheek pressed against her forehead, but Erin's eyes were locked on Hanks.

"Jay," Hank stood up and leaned over the bed, touching Jay's shoulder, "Jay. Let's give her some room."

Something wasn't right. As he pulled away from Erin, he noticed she wouldn't look at him. She wasn't smiling and she looked scared. She would only look at Hank.

"Hank." Erin whispered his name a third time, her head was pounding and she felt a room full of eyes on her. "Who..." her voice low and raspy came out with a stutter. "Who are all these people?"

At her words, Jay felt his world crash around him. He looked around the room, wishing to see doctors and nurses - anyone Erin may not have recognized. Other than Voight, it was just Olinsky, Kim, and him. He released Erin's hand, and began to pace the length of the bed. He opened his mouth to speak, but Hank gave him a look that cut him off.

"Erin," Hank said her voice calmly. He sat down in the chair next to her bed, and reached out for her hand. Her hand was warm, and he squeezed it gently in a comforting gesture. "Do you know where you are?"

Jay watched Erin's expressions as Hank spoke to her. He felt someone behind him, and turned to see Kim standing there. "I'll get the doctor," she whispered in his ear and then she quickly exited the room.

"I'm in a hospital," Erin responded slowly. She took in her surroundings, and she recognized the glass doors that were unique to the ICU. She remembered her visit to the ICU when she was 17. She and Camille had been in a car accident on the way home from a shopping day, and she spent three days recovering from her injuries before they allowed her to go home.

"Do you remember why you are here?" Hank probed, his voice still soft, his hand still holding hers.

"No," Erin spoke so quietly, if Hank wasn't staring at her he would have missed it. He opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the doctor.

"Hi Erin," the doctor walked in to the room and walked over to her bed. "I'm Dr. Stein. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"

Erin examined his deep maroon scrubs and his long white coat. Right above his left breast pocket, she read _Dr. S. Stein, Chief of Neurosurgery_ , before she nodded in agreement. "Can you tell me your full name?"

"Erin Lindsay." Jay's heart stopped at her words. _Erin Lindsay Halstead,_ he wanted to say. He looked over at his wife and willed her to look at him. If she looked at him, surely she would remember her married name. She hadn't even wanted to keep the name Lindsay. She said it linked her to a past she wasn't particularly proud of. He had encouraged her, telling her he loved every part of her: past, present, and future. He wasn't sure if that was what convinced her, he liked to think so. But it could have been Hank... who complained that he wouldn't be able to send out orders at work using last names. She had compromised, using Lindsay professionally and going my Erin Halstead outside of work.

"Can you tell me where you are?" The doctor continued, interrupting Jay's train of thought.

"In a hospital. In the ICU." She paused, trying to give more information to the doctor. "In Chicago." She looked at the doctor, and he seemed satisfied with that answer.

"Can you tell me the date?" He asked casually.

"It's April. April 2010." She couldn't remember the exact day. She remembered that it was early April, but it felt a little fuzzy. She also didn't know how long she had been asleep. It could have been an hour, but she remembered a time where a suspect of hers had been asleep almost a week. Either way, just answering April seemed like a safe bet.

Across the room, at Erin's words, Jay lost his breath. He lost his ability to stand, and if Olinsky hadn't reached out to steady him, he was sure he would have collapsed on the floor right then. _April 2010. April 2010._ He repeated the words over and over in his mind. He was a detective in the gang unit in 2010, he had just started. He had only been back from the Rangers a little over a year. Erin had either just passed the detectives exam, or she was still an officer. He racked his brain, but he couldn't remember.

They hadn't known each other then. She didn't know who he was. _No wonder she won't look at me._

"What is the last thing you remember?" The doctor asked gently, not giving anything away. If Erin took one look at Jay's face, she would know that she wasn't giving the right information. But Erin was too scared to look over at the three people standing on the left side of the room. She saw them out of the corner of her eyes, but wouldn't allow herself to focus on them; there was the man who had kissed her forehead, who was standing next to Olinsky, and a thin, brunette staring at her with tears in the eyes. Instead, she kept her focus steadily on Dr. Stein, who was standing on the foot of the bed.

She thought back to the last thing she could remember. "I... uh... I passed the detective exam. And I joined Vice." She whispered the last part, feeling her cheeks redden with embarrassment. "Hank... I'm-"

"It's okay, kid." He patted her hand and smiled at her. She was relieved he wasn't mad at her. Maybe whatever landed her in the hospital would be a blessing in disguise. She knew Hank didn't want her in Vice. With all she had been through, all she had overcome, he didn't want her to be put in a position where she was tempted to fall back into old, bad habits. But the spot had opened up and it was a huge opportunity. And she was stronger than that, she truly was. She knew Camille had tried talking to him, but as far as she knew, Camille hadn't gotten through and Hank was still mad.

"Hank." At that thought, she shifted her focus away from the doctor, "Where's Camille?"

xo, hope you enjoyed this one!


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi everyone :) Thanks for the reviews! Also, not to worry - Erin is not going back to old habits. She had already lived with Hank and Camille, and was already a detective! She has her life together, she just doesn't know Jay.**

Chapter 4,

"Hank," she shifted her focus away from the doctor, "Where's Camille?"

All of a sudden, it was Hank's turn to feel the weight of his world crash around him. He couldn't speak. He couldn't even breath. He thanked god he was sitting down, because with Olinsky steadying Jay across the room, there would have been no one to keep him upright.

He looked away from Erin, trying to collect himself, his thoughts, his words. It didn't help.

The atmosphere in the room changed, and the doctor picked up on it right away. "Sir," He looked towards Hank, "Let's step outside for a moment." He gestured for Jay to join them, and ushered them both towards the hallway.

Kim decided to follow them out, not wanting to be alone with Erin. She had no idea what to say to her best friend, and she didn't want to overstep. As they all left Erin's hospital room, she left to meet Ruzek, Atwater, and Dawson, hoping to fill them in and also give Jay and Voight the space they needed.

The minute the door closed behind them, Hank spoke to the doctor. "What the hell is going on?" He kept his voice quiet because he didn't want Erin to hear. But his voice was harsh and commanding nonetheless, and the doctor took a step backwards.

"Sometimes this happens, and we don't know why." The doctor began his explanation. "As far as we have come in our understanding of the human brain, there are still things we will never understand."

This explanation did nothing to satisfy Jay. His wife was sitting in the hospital room, and she clearly had no idea who he was. She was completely unaware that she was married. She had no idea that together they had an amazing two year old daughter. She didn't know that they were currently trying for a second child, she didn't remember the negative pregnancy test result she had received the week before that had broken their hearts. She knew nothing about the beautiful life they were building together.

This explanation also did nothing to satisfy Hank. The girl he considered his daughter was sitting in the hospital, blissfully unaware that Camille was dead. Camille had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer in September of 2010, and died soon thereafter. Erin was also blissfully unaware that Justin had been murdered in 2016. She didn't know that she had pulled Hank out of the unbelievable depths of his grief. She had saved him both times, she had been everything he needed.

"Is it permanent?" As soon as Jay spoke the words aloud, tears formed in his eyes. After two days of waiting for his beautiful wife to wake up, he hadn't prepared himself for this. Never in his wildest dreams had he anticipated this, and he felt completely bereft.

"There is no way to know." The doctor pulled Erin's latest CT scans out of a manilla envelope. "These scans were taken this morning, and there is no evidence of a residual bleed. All the swelling has gone down. For all intents and purposes, she is physically healed." He put the CT scans back into the envelope and continued. "It could come back slowly, it could come back all at once. Some memories may return, or none. There is no way to know. We just have to-"

Before the doctor could finish his statement with the dreaded 'wait and see', Hank interrupted. "My wife... Camille." He needed the doctor to understand the immensity of this situation, and he needed Jay to hear it too. Erin would be overcome with grief. He remembered watching as she grieved his wife the first time around, and he couldn't bear the thought of going through it again. "She died. In 2011. This Erin," He gestured towards the ICU window, "She doesn't know." He looked down at the floor, and took a deep steadying breath.

All of a sudden he felt the need to fill the doctor in on all aspects of Erin's life. "My son, he died in 2016." He wanted guidance from the doctor, he needed to know what information to tell Erin, and what would be too much. "In 2010, she hadn't even met her husband." He gestured at Jay, and watched as Jay stood there, nodding along, seemingly terrified and unable to speak. Hank spoke for him. "She has a two year old daughter, Doc. Her name is Sophie." There were a million more important moments he wanted to fill in, but he knew there were no words he could string together to do Erin's life justice. Instead, he looked at the doctor and finished his speech with, "She lost her mother. She became a mother." Then he paused, making sure the doctor was focused on his words. "Where do we go from here?"

The doctor took in all of this information while also sizing up the two men in front of him. Her father and her husband, the two most important men in her life, were standing in front of his begging him to have all the answers. He had none. "Mr. Halstead, Mr. Voight," he began. "The most important thing is that the two of you get on the same page." They nodded in agreement. "And the second most important thing is not to lie to her. There is no need to supply information if she doesn't ask, but if she asks you about your wife, Mr. Voight, you have to tell her. You can't give her misinformation at any time, it can adversely affect her recovery. Memories are complicated, and the worst thing is for her to fill in the gaps with the wrong information." He let this information sink in before reaching out and handing them his card. "My cell phone number is on the back of this. Call me anytime." And with that, he walked away.

"She already asked about Camille." Jay spoke first, trying to organize his thoughts in his mind. His wife's weddings rings were currently burning a hole in his pocket. They had removed them before her surgery, and he had been holding on to them for safe keeping. She wouldn't look down at her hand and see her rings, which meant they could decide how and when to tell her. "I think we tell her about Camille, and then about me." He wasn't certain this was the best course of action, and he looked to his mentor for guidance. "But maybe, we shouldn't tell her about Sophie?"

"I think that's a good idea." His gruff voice returned to a normal level now that the doctor was gone. Forming a plan always made him feel more useful, and he felt a little better, a little more in control. "Are you ready?"

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Erin sat in the hospital bed feeling uncomfortable. She knew something was wrong. Hank and the doctor and the other man had been out in the hallway for a long time, and Alvin was sitting by her bed avoiding her gaze. "Al." She reached out for his hand. "Talk to me." She begged.

"Everything is okay, Erin." Olinsky wanted to sooth her, but he wanted to avoid giving any information away. He had working with Hank Voight a long time, they had been partners when Erin became his CI. She even began calling him Uncle Al like Justin, although she had stopped as soon as she made detective. She hadn't wanted anyone to think that he was giving her special treatment. Not that she needed it, she was as good as they come.

She was not satisfied with his answer, but she also knew she wasn't going to get any more information from him. Al was loyal to Voight, first and foremost. "Please. You have to talk to Hank." Without five pairs of eyes on her, she had begun to relax a little and began to remember what she was doing before she ended up in the hospital. She remembered that it was the first week in April, and she had been undercover 5 weeks.

Hank had been so mad when he found out. It was her first long term undercover job, and she was supposed to go undercover as a stripper. Her goal was to gain the trust of the boss of the strip club, in order to find the leader in a sex trafficking ring. The fact that she would be nearly naked on stage aside, Hank was scared she was going to fall back into old habits. "Tell him I never touched any of the drugs. I don't know how I wound up in this hospital bed, but I swear to you, I'm clean." She was crying now, tears falling down her face. It had been so hard to refrain from taking drugs. For most girls, the only way to get through a set on stage was to take drugs right before. It numbed them and dulled the pain, it pushed away the embarrassment of it all. The temptation had nearly killed her, but she had stuck to her guns, and she needed Hank to know.

"Erin, he knows." He continued to speak, even with the looks of disbelief she was sending his way. "You didn't come here because of drugs. You hit your head." It was at least partially true, and it would need to hold her for now. He needed Hank and Jay to come back in, because sooner or later this conversation was going to take a turn.

As if Olinsky had willed it to happen, Hank and Jay walked slowly back into the room. "I'm gonna give you three a minute." He squeezed her hand, stood from the chair, and left the room.

Hank started towards the chair Olinsky had just vacated, and Jay stood at the foot of the bed.

Erin examined the man at the foot of the bed. He was tall, maybe about 6"1. He was wearing a short sleeve grey v-neck t-shirt that did nothing to hide his muscular arms and shoulders. Now that she was staring at them, she had to admit they were pretty sexy. Arms always did it for her...

His light brown hair was cut short, and he had some a little scruff on his face, like he hadn't shaved in a few days. But above everything, though, she noticed his deep green eyes that were settled on hers. They were beautiful, but they looked sad.

His piercing stare became too much, and she had to avert her eyes. She looked towards Hank, waiting for an explanation. "Listen, kid," Now that she was looking at Hank, she noticed that his eyes appeared sad, too.

"When you were talking the doctor you said it was 2010." Hank spoke slowly, as if the words were difficult for him to say. "But it's 2020."

 _2020_. She began to laugh, thinking this must be a joke. But as soon as it had started, her laugh died. She looked at Hank, at the man at the foot of the bed, and she began to hyperventilate.

Jay rushed towards Erin, and sat himself close to her on the bed. He reached out and touched both of her shoulders in a tight hold. He knew she didn't know him, but knew her, and this always made her feel better. "Try to match your breathing with mine." He removed one of his hands from her shoulder and touched it to her chin. She flinched at his touch, but allowed him to direct her chin up until she reached his gaze. "Look at me and match your breathing with mine."

She did as she was told, and a few seconds later she felt herself relax. Her breathing returned to normal, even though her heart still felt like it was racing. His eyes steadied her, and after getting over the shock of his touch, that, too, calmed her. "Who..." Her voice came out raspy, lower than she intended. "Who are-"

Hank cut her off, knowing it was time to tell her at least part of her truth. He hoped she would remain calm as he said the words. "His name is Jay Halstead, and he is your husband."


	5. Chapter 5

I don't own anything!

Chapter 5,

Erin was finally alone. Hank had stepped out to get something to eat, Jay had gone home. It had been the longest day of her life. _As far as I can remember, that is,_ she thought incredulously.

After Hank's big announcement, he had stood up to leave the room, stating he wanted to give them some time alone. She had sent him a warning look, had almost said the words out loud _Please don't leave me alone_ , but one glance at Jay's face and she couldn't say them. He looked sad and broken, but he also looked so hopeful. Like maybe a few minutes alone together would fix everything.

She knew he was wrong. But something deep inside her wanted to comfort him, and so she said goodbye to Hank and turned to her husband. Husband. That word sounded so foreign to her. Sure, she got all "whole and healed" as her therapist liked to say. She lived with Hank and Camille, and she had finally made detective. She was turning her life around. But she had never been serious about anyone. She had dated, of course, but she honestly thought of those men as a string of one night stands that happened to be with the same person. She didn't consider any of them boyfriends. And she never would have considered actually marrying one of them.

She must be different now. She had awoken to a room full of concerned faces. She couldn't remember a time where she had had so many friends. And, when she thought back to Jay's face when she woke up, she remembered the unbelievable relief that overcame him and the loving looks that he gave her.

Now, when he sat across from her after Hank left, she noticed he also looked exhausted. "Have you slept at all?" This seemed like a safe way to start the conversation.

"A little." His voice was low and warm. It sounded completely new but also familiar at the same, which she knew made no sense.

"Umm." She drew out the sound, trying to figure out what to say next. "I'm not really sure what we do now."

Jay sat across from Erin, and it felt so surreal. His wife didn't know him. But at the same time, he had just calmed her down the same way he had done many times before. There was a familiarity between them, he could sense it. He just needed to tread carefully. "The doctor said you might get your memory back slowly, or all at once, or not at all." He paused and took a steadying breath, hoping that didn't overwhelm her the way it had him when he heard it. "I don't know what that looks like, honestly." He gave her an empathetic look and continued, "But how about we start off slow. You can ask me whatever you want, I'll tell you as little or as much as you want to know. And I will be here whenever you want me here, and I'll give you space when you ask." He hoped he was saying the right things. "Don't feel pressured. We can do whatever you need."

Erin listened to his words carefully, and waited a beat to answer. He was handling her with such kid gloves, and she found it adorable. "Are you sure we're married?" When his face fell slightly, she laughed in response to let him know she had only been joking. She raised her eyebrows and gave him a smirk. "I don't usually go for.. nice."

Inside, Jay was smiling the biggest smile. His wife was _definitely_ still in there somewhere. Outwardly, his face broke into a lazy grin. Playing along, he replied, "Trust me. I'm not all that nice."

Staring at his grin, all of a sudden she had a flash of memory. She remembered that grin. _The famous Halstead grin_ , she had called it.

 _They were in the car, driving along a main road. She was in the drivers seat, with Jay by her side wearing a black t-shirt. The drive had been quiet, when finally Jay began to speak, "How long have we worked together, a month?" His head was resting on his hand, as he leaned against the window. He didn't even glance in Erin's direction as he spoke. "I think it's time we can be honest with each other. Do you agree?"_

 _"No." She said quickly, matter-of-factly. It was her turn not look at him as she spoke._

 _He ignored her. "Two things. One: You driving all the time, I'm not down with that." He shook his head and raised his eyebrows as he spoke, as if she could see his expressions._

 _"Seniority rules." Erin responded, giving him a dismissive look and turning her eyes back to the road._

 _He sat up at that, looked over to her. "I've been in the job longer."_

 _"I've been in this unit longer." She quipped._

 _"Okay, look." He said, waving his hand around in front of his face. "I feel like a house husband."_

 _"Aw." She looked at him, there eyes locked together. Something fizzled between them, and to ease some of the tension, she spoke. "What was the second thing?"_

 _His voice got serious, as his eyes glanced sideways. "What's the deal with you and Voight?"_

 _She pulled over the car and they shared a serious look. She made it seem like she was really going to confide in him, made him promise to keep it just between the two of them, and his expression grew serious, empathetic even. "We went to prom together."_

Erin remembered the rest of that day, too. She remembered as he beat up the guy who had catcalled after her. She remembered their easy banter and the sexual tension and their overall vibe. She remembered how well they worked together as partners, and how it even seemed like they were going to be friends.

She didn't understand. How was it possible for her to remember one day out of her life. She couldn't recall the day, the week, the month, the year. She didn't remember the day they met, or any days after that. But that day... that day, she remembered.

"Hey." Present day Jay reached out and touched her face, caressing her cheek softly. "Where'd you go?"

"I had... um... a memory." Or was her mind playing tricks on her. "I think."

"Well," He hoped it was truly a memory. He hoped he was in it. "Why don't you tell me what it was about?"

"We were in the car. We were driving, and you said you felt like a house husband." Immediately his face broke out into a smile, and she recognized that smile immediately from her memories of that day. "Do we work together? Are we partners?"

"We are. We've been partners for 6 years now." For the first time since Erin woke up, he truly believed everything was going to be okay.

"Were we married first? Or were we partners first?" She couldn't even imagine it. They spent all day together at work, and then they spent all night together at home? She couldn't imagine ever liking someone enough to want to spend that kind of time with them. Although, she had to admit, she wouldn't mind looking at Jay all day. The way his shirt clung to his muscles made her want to reach out and touch them. Or bite them. _Jesus, Erin. Where did that come from? Get a grip,_ she chided herself.

"Now that is actually a long story." He leaned back in his chair, making himself more comfortable. "We were partners first. And our partnership was filled with longing stares and sexual tension," he shook his head dramatically, "but sadly, Hank was not having it."

He laughed and she couldn't help but smile. "That sounds like Hank." She replied playfully.

"He came around eventually, though."

"Now, that." She said drawing out the word, shaking her head. "Does not sound like Hank."

He smiled at her and she found herself smiling back. Never in her life could she remember having a conversation that flowed this easily, that made her laugh and smile this much, with a guy that seriously turned her on.

A knock on the door interrupted their eye contact, and they both turned to look at the door. "Speak of the devil," she said.

"You seem to be doing much better, kid." Hank walked in and immediately noticed the color had returned to her face.

"I am." She smiled at him, turning to Jay. It was at that moment that she caught the glint of his gold wedding band on his left hand. She reached out and laid her hand over his, feeling a jolt of electricity at the touch. Embarrassed by her body's response, she pulled her hand away. "I'm feeling much better." She said to Hank, a little more quietly this time.

"I'm glad." He was happy for Jay, and he didn't want to ruin the moment. But he had a feeling it was only a matter of time before she asked-

"Hank." Erin's eyes remained focused on Hank's. He had avoided the conversation before and she needed to know. "Where's Camille?" She braced herself for his answer.

"Erin," Hank kept his eyes on her, but they became unfocused, shining with unshed tears. Jay reached out and grabbed her hand. He held it tightly as Hank delivered the worst news she had ever received in her life. "She passed away almost 10 years ago. She had cancer."

She had lost her memory. She had forgotten her husband. She had lost 10 years of her life in an instant. To describe today as emotional and difficult would have been the understatement of the century.

And yet, hearing those words... _She passed away_. She could never have imagined or prepared herself for the depth of her pain in this moment. There were no words to describe her anguish. She was completely and utterly devastated.

"There's more." Hank knew he had said he wasn't going to overwhelm her with too much too quickly. But watching the light drain out of her eyes, he knew he couldn't do this again.

"Hank," Jay tried to interject, but he couldn't stop the words from coming out.

"Justin's gone, too." Hank whispered. "It's just you and me, kid. We're the only ones left."

At that, the dam broke. Tears flowed from her eyes blurring her vision, her rate of breathing increased until she was hyperventilating once again. Her eyes remained on Hank, his usual stoic expression lost, his face was broken and his eyes were full of tears. Jay stood from his chair and sat on the edge of the bed, pulling her in close to him. Again he whispered in her ears, soothing her, begging her to match his breathing. He pressed his body close to hers so that she could feel his chest rise and fall as he breathed against her body.

If she had taken a step back to realize the absurdity of the situation, maybe she wouldn't have stayed tucked into Jay's body. But, she did. She closed her eyes and pressed her cheek against his chest. This amazing man she didn't even know had his arms wrapped around her, and for some reason, his strong, comforting hold was the only thing holding her together. She cried in his arms until she fell asleep, and when she woke up, she was alone.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6,

The sound of Sophie crying woke Jay at 6 am. He rolled over and sighed when he saw the clock. Sophie tended to wake up earlier when she wasn't feeling well, or when she was particularly upset. He reached for his alarm clock and turned it off, he didn't need it now. Then he leaned over and turned off the baby monitor. He slowly rose from his bed and made his way to Sophie's bedroom, bracing himself for another long day.

"Mama, mama, mama," Sophie wailed, standing and holding on the bars of her crib. She was attempting to climb the walls of her crib, but wasn't able to manage. Jay knew it was only a matter of time before they were going to have to switch her into a big girl bed.

Hearing his daughter ask for Erin broke his heart. He just wanted her to stay little forever. "Good morning, princess." He reached down to lift his nearly two year old daughter from her crib and kissed away the tears on her face. She missed her mama so much, and she was too young to understand.

"Hi, daddy." She replied, perking up and laughing at his kisses. This was Jay's favorite part of the day. Every morning since she was a baby, he would get her from her crib. It started while Erin had been breastfeeding when she had noticed that Jay was a little jealous of all the one-on-one time Erin and Sophie had during those first few weeks. She had mandated the first few minutes of the morning as Jay and Sophie time, and they quickly became his most treasured moments.

After he changed her diaper and got her dressed for the day, he brought her into the kitchen for breakfast. As soon as they entered the room, she whipped her head around looking for Erin. On a normal day, while Jay was getting Sophie from her crib and getting her dressed, Erin would be in the kitchen starting the coffee. Tears returned to Sophie's eyes as she noticed the change in her normal routine. "Where's mama?"

"Your mommy isn't feeling too good, Soph." _And she doesn't know who you are_.

When Erin had asked Hank to stay at the hospital last night instead of him, he had been devastated. After she had the memory of their early days together, he was sure she must have felt their connection. Or at least a spark. And then when she found about Camille and Justin, he had been the one to comfort her. He had held her until she felt asleep in his arms, he had kissed her gently before tucking her in. But when she woke and she asked for Hank to stay, he realized he had just been imaging their connection. Seeing only what he wanted to see. And it broke his heart all over again.

"She's with Grandpa and he's making sure she is all better before she comes home to us!" It was the first lie he had ever told his daughter.

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The nurse woke Erin every two hours throughout the night to record her vital signs and give her pain medications. She had become used to the interruption, and even welcomed the few minutes of quiet it brought.

When was awoken by her nurse at 6 am, the light had begun to shine through the windows. As the nurse measured her blood pressure and heart rate, she watched Hank sleeping peacefully in the cot next to her. Ever since she was a teenager, it had amazed her how relaxed his features became in his sleep. It seemed completely out of character, and she had always reveled in watching him when he fell asleep on the couch in the living room.

She was glad Hank was finally getting some rest. Last night, she had sent Jay home and asked Hank to stay. If she was being honest with herself, she had wanted Jay to stay with her. Even from just the small memory, she could tell they had a special connection. She wanted to explore that more while still in the safety of the hospital, when there was a little less pressure.

But Hank had looked so broken and sad the night before when he told her about Camille and Justin. Having a dead wife and a dead son... She knew he would need to feel needed. She was all he had left, and their relationship needed to be a priority. So she set her grief aside and asked him to spend the night at the hospital instead of Jay.

When the nurse was finished with her vital sign checks and had given Erin two pink pain pills to ease her headaches, Erin settled back into the bed. She had never been able to sleep well when it was light in the room, but after a few minutes of tossing and turning she felt into a fitful sleep.

" _It's 3 am. I'm fine," Erin readjusted her position, curling her back into Jay's chest._

 _He wrapped his arms around her, resting his hands on her swollen belly. He leaned in and kissed a spot on the back of her neck. "You're not fine," he said. "You've been tossing and turning all night. What is the matter?"_

 _She didn't want to tell him. She knew if she told him, he would jump out of bed. "Nothing!" She sighed. "Go back to sleep._

 _He was not convinced. "Not until you tell me what has you up at 3 am."_

 _She realized he wasn't going to let it go. "I want french fries, and a chocolate milkshake." She sighed, embarrassed._

 _As predicted, Jay jumped out of bed and began to get dressed quickly. "Should I get you a cheeseburger, too?" He smirked at her._

" _Jay, I'm sorry to make you run out." She pouted. "Do you still love me?" It was a ridiculous question, she knew. He never minded going out and getting her food in the middle of the night, even when they had to work the next day. He was always 'happy to do his part!' God, she didn't deserve him._

 _Now fully dressed with his shoes on, he walked over to the bed. He leaned down and gave Erin a soft kiss, "I love you." He leaned down further, kissing her belly even more gently. "And I love you, little man."_

 _"Jay," She signed exasperated, shoving his shoulder playfully. "It might be a girl, you know."_

 _"It's not." He laughed, walking towards the door. "Trust me."_

 _A few moments later, she heard the front door close. Without Jay in the bed, she couldn't find a comfortable position. She also had to pee, so she decided to get up and slowly waddled over to the bathroom._

 _She sat down on the toilet and began to pee, checking Instagram on her phone mindlessly. Kim had posted a photo of her and Adam at Molly's from earlier that evening. They had tried to get her and Jay to join, but she was exhausted and she just wanted to go home and snuggle up on the couch with her man._

 _When she was done peeing, she stood and absentmindedly turned to flush the toilet. When she looked down, she noticed the toilet bowl was full of dark red blood. "Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!" Tears immediately began to stream down her face as she began to notice blood streaming down her legs. She cried out for Jay, only to realize that he wasn't home._

 _She grabbed her phone and dialed Jay's number as fast as she could manage, her fingers shaking uncontrollably, the phone unsteady in her hand. "Jay," she said urgently when he answered. "I'm bleeding." She wasn't sure he could understand her words through the tears._

 _"I'll be right there."_

Erin awoke in her hospital bed soaked in sweat and panting. She turned, and in place of Hank, she saw Jay. He was leaning forward and his green eyes were looking at her with genuine concern. "Erin." He said worriedly, "What's wrong?" He reached out to brush her face with his fingers.

"Was I pregnant?" She hoped that wasn't a memory, and that it was just a terrible dream. She could never remember being more scared in her entire life. "Is my baby okay?" She said the words frantically, not fully understanding the gravity of her words. She knew, deep inside, that it was a memory. At some point in the past 10 years, she had been pregnant. She needed the baby to be okay. Before this dream, memory - whatever - she couldn't even imagine being married. Now, she was sitting in a hospital bed with tears in her eyes, bracing herself for more tragic news. The most tragic news of all. She had been pregnant and her baby had died.

Jay looked at Erin. He recognized the terror and concern on her face immediately. It was the same face she had when he returned from McDonald's and found her standing by the door, bleeding and waiting for him to take her to the hospital. She had been terrified then, and she was terrified now. "She's fine, she's okay." He soothed. Seeing her scared should have upset Jay, but instead it calmed him. It gave him hope. _She cares,_ he thought. _She cares about our daughter._

Erin was not convinced by his placating words. "Bring her here." Her words came out forcefully, but the fear behind her words was evident. "I want to see her."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7,

Erin shifted impatiently in her hospital bed waiting for Jay to return with Sophie from day care. She nervously played with her hands and envisioned what her reunion with her baby would be like. Would she recognize her? Would her daughter instinctively be able to tell something had changed? She looked down and realized that her right hand had been absentmindedly rubbing her empty left ring finger. _I cannot believe I am married_ , she thought immediately. She thought of Jay, and of her daughter, and she was surprised by how happy she felt. For a girl who had never once thought about settling down, she was shocked by how content she felt in this moment knowing that her husband was going to pick up her daughter.

She stood from the bed and began pacing the room. She wanted her memories back. She hoped that seeing her baby would bring everything back.

"Mama!" Erin heard her before she saw her, and she turned just as a small blonde toddler ran and jumped into her arms. "I missed you, Mommy." She leaned forward and hugged Erin tightly, and began to bounce excitedly up and down in her arms.

Erin stared at her daughter. She had blonde hair and the same hazel eyes as her own. She also had her nose. But her smile... it was all Halstead. _That famous Halstead grin_ , she thought. She was dressed in a pink dress with white leggings with a lace trim at the bottom. She was adorable.

But as she searched the features of her daughter and recognized herself and Jay in her face, she felt a wave of unsteadiness and anxiety. She had felt so connected to the idea of this baby and to her pregnancy in the memory she had. But Sophie wasn't a baby. Erin had envisioned a tiny little baby girl that would smile and coo in her arms. She had envisioned feeling an immediate connection with her, like she had with Jay. She wanted to be overcome and overwhelmed by love and all those maternal feelings you are supposed to have.

But she didn't recognize her baby - or toddler, or whatever she was. And she wasn't having that moment she expected.

In the past 24 hours since she had woken up she had experienced an array of emotions. She had felt surprise and shock, then she had felt fear and anxiety, she had also experienced complete and utter devastation, and throughout, she had felt waves of attraction to her husband. But in this moment, she had a new emotion - one that was worse than even the fear and devastation.

Hopelessness.

She felt hopeless. Sophie wasn't a baby. She wouldn't be blissfully unaware of Erin's condition. She would take one look at Erin and see right through her, and she would know. This wasn't her mother. She was an imposter.

"Hi, Sophie," her voice came out quiet and Jay could immediately sense her nervousness. He watched Erin as she searched Sophie's face, trying hard to find something familiar, to remember her somehow. It broke his heart when he realized she didn't.

 _She can't summon memories on command,_ he immediately reminded himself. On his drive over he had gotten his hopes up, but he needed to be realistic.

"Soph," he said, as he reached for his daughter. "Mommy still isn't feeling too well. Let's give her some space, okay princess?"

"NO!" Sophie shouted, avoiding Jay's arms. She curled herself into Erin, nuzzling her head in Erin's neck. "I want Mommy!"

Erin hadn't interacted with kids much in her life and she felt completely at a loss. She had assumed she would see Sophie and just instantly know what to do. Her maternal instincts would kick in, and she would immediately become a pro at all things baby. But she didn't. She had no idea what to do, and Sophie's arms right around her neck began to feel like a weight. One she couldn't handle. "Sophie." She said, more loudly this time. "Can you please go to Jay?"

Sophie looked up at Erin completely confused, and waved her head around to look for 'Jay'.

"Daddy." Jay corrected. "Come to Daddy, Soph." This time he didn't give her an option, and he plucked Sophie from Erin's arms.

 _Daddy_. Erin's cheeks reddened in embarrassment. Of course Sophie had looked so confused. She doesn't know who Jay is. He's just daddy to her. "Sorry," she said quietly, looking down at the floor and shifting uncomfortably.

"It's okay," he responded. Maybe this had been a bad idea. All he wanted was to be there for wife. To comfort her and remind her of the beautiful life they had built together. But this Erin... she didn't know their daughter or their life. And he couldn't just think of Erin. He needed to think of Sophie, too.

Sophie had missed her mommy so much in the past few days, and it was beginning to take a toll on her. Just now when he picked her up, the head of the daycare had commented that Sophie had been overly fussy all morning, behavior that was completely out of character for her. He had hoped that seeing Erin would help, but now he wasn't sure. After this encounter, Sophie might be even more upset. He had dangled her mom in front of her, and now... Now, he could tell Erin was going to ask him to take her away.

"Um... do you think maybe-" Erin wouldn't lift her eyes from the ground. Her cheeks were a deep red and tears were building in her eyes.

"I have an idea," Jay said animatedly, not allowing Erin to finish her sentence and ask him to leave. "Let's take a trip to the cafeteria and get some ice cream!" He looked at Sophie, "Doesn't that sound fun?"

Sophie nodded excitedly, no longer upset to be in her Daddy's arms.

Jay put Sophie down gently and she immediately ran to the door, eager to get her ice cream. "Soph!" He said loudly behind her, "Wait at the door please." She did as she was told, and he leaned over to Erin to quietly speak in her ear. "I know this is a lot for you. But the ice cream will keep Soph happy and distracted, you'll get to spend some time together," he paused and then spoke more quickly, "And then we can go home and give you some time to take it all in." He hoped he was doing the right thing for both of them.

"Okay. Yeah." _I can do this,_ she told herself. As she walked to the door, Jay reached for her hand and squeezed it encouragingly. Again, she was surprised at how much Jay's touch calmed her. She felt their connection so strongly and it gave her the strength to reach out for Sophie's hand. Together, the three of them walked hand in hand to the cafeteria.

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Erin paced in her small room. She had been transferred out of the ICU, and was now in a step down unit. While that meant the doctors were encouraged by her progress, it also meant a more cramped, less comfortable room.

Sophie and Jay had gone home about an hour before, after the three of them had ice cream in the cafeteria. Sophie was so adorable and happy, and Erin had genuinely enjoyed spending time with her. As Sophie continued to talk and talk, Erin's anxiety slowly started to decrease. It was still present, but Sophie didn't seem all that fazed by the situation, and that certainly helped. She told Erin all about her adventures with Kim and Hank the past few days, but also how much she missed her mommy.

Jay had filled her in a little bit on the walk back to her room. Evidently, Kim and Hank had been taking turns taking care of Sophie when Jay was at the hospital. And Kim was Erin's best friend, she worked with them in Intelligence.

That had also something that had surprised Erin. Erin had never really had female friends before. Ever since she was a kid, and especially after joining the Chicago Police Department, she had always been one of the guys. The more she learned about her life, the more bewildered she became. In this life, she was a happy 33 year old wife, mom, and friend. She was so... _normal_.

"Hey, little sis." She turned to look at the man standing in the doorway. He was tall, with curly reddish-brown hair. He was fair-skinned with light eyes. He was wearing dark maroon scrubs and a long white coat. The end of the stethoscope hanging from his neck blocked his name, and she looked up at him with a look of confusion. "No? Nothing?" He said with a raised eyebrow and a sarcastic smile. She recognized his smile, and knew right away he must be a Halstead.

"Of course, I know exactly who you are." She said, returning his sarcasm and raising an eyebrow of her own. "I don't remember my husband or my daughter... but you? You're unforgettable." At least she hadn't lost her sense of humor. Or irony.

He flashed an even bigger smile and began to laugh. "I'm Will." He said, as he walked towards her. "Jay's older brother." He reached her and enveloped her in a long hug. "I'm glad you're okay."

It was like her body recognized people when her mind didn't. She didn't particularly like to be touched, and she had definitely never been a hugger. But as she hugged Will back, she noticed how natural it felt, how comfortable.

He pulled away from her and sat down on the chair, motioning for her to sit on the bed. It seemed he was planning to stay for a while. "Okay seriously, Erin." His smile faded and he regarded her with a questioning stare. "How are you really doing with all of this?"

She shrugged off his question, answering noncommittally, and looking down at her hands. Again, she noticed with surprise that she was rubbing her left ring finger, touching the place a wedding ring would be.

"Erin." He said more sternly. "There's no pressure." He reached to tap her hands, trying to get her to look up. "I'm not reporting back to my brother."

 _No pressure_. She wasn't sure if she should believe him. But either way, those words had opened something inside her. _Pressure_. That's what she felt. Pressure to be the daughter Hank wanted, the wife and mother Jay and Sophie needed. It was all too much. It was beginning to swallow her whole.

"I can't remember my own daughter." She said quietly, finally allowing the tears that she had been holding in all day to fall freely from her eyes. "I don't know her." She looked up at Will, begging for him to understand. "I should _love_ my own daughter, but instead I feel..." _Nothing_. She stopped, unable to say the words out loud.

Will looked at his sister-in-law crying on the bed. He recognized despair in her voice and it saddened him. Natalie had seen Erin, Jay, and Sophie in the cafeteria earlier, and reported back that they had all been smiling. "You don't feel nothing," Will replied, recognizing her unspoken words. "You wouldn't be crying if you felt nothing." He reached out and touched her hand, soothing her. "Erin, you are being too hard on yourself. You just woke up and found out you have a husband and a daughter. That the woman you knew as your mother is dead. That the man you knew as your brother is also dead." He squeezed her hand as her tears flowed even faster. "You don't feel nothing. You feel overwhelmed."

Erin looked at Will gratefully, and he continued. "But you're lucky you know." He said, smiling and trying to lighten the mood. "If you had to wake up to find out you had a husband and daughter..." he raised his eyebrows and shook his head playfully, "You won the lottery with Jay and Sophie."

Erin smiled back, knowing there was so much truth to Will's words.

"And they will be easy to fall in love with. You can count on that."

 **Xoxoxoxo**

 **Okay - so I realize this has been a very dragged out 24-48 hours and I'm definitely going to move on from the hospital after this chapter and have Erin go home. Suggestions and feedback are totally welcome :) thanks for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8,

"Usually with nature of your injuries combined with the physical demands of your job, I would recommend at least two or three weeks off before returning to work." Dr. Stein stood at the foot of Erin's bed discussing her discharge instructions with her and Hank. "But with your memory loss, I would actually encourage you to go back to work sooner." He raised his hands at Hank, who had been clearly getting ready to protest. "Nothing physical - just desk duty. But I think it's important to resume your normal routines and schedules as soon as possible."

"How soon?" Erin asked, ignoring Hank's worried glances.

"As long as your returning only to light duty, I don't see why you can't go back on Monday." Dr. Stein concluded. "The nurse is putting together your discharge paperwork now. It will take a couple hours, but then you are free to go, Erin."

 _Monday_! Monday was only two days away! _Thank God._ She was eager to get back to work. Because even with the memory loss, she knew how to be a detective. It was the only thing she felt sure about right now.

With Dr. Stein out of the room, Hank began to voice his concerns. "Erin," he began. It had only been a few days since her injury. When she woke up, he had watched as the world fell apart around her. "I'm not sure Monday is a great idea-"

"Hank," she cut him off, giving him a serious look. "The doctor said it was fine. I'm fine," she said reassuringly.

"I don't care what your doctor says," He responded gruffly. "I have the final say." Surely, it was too soon. "I will think about it and let you know," he finished, his voice more calm.

"What gives you the final say?" She replied in a whining tone, feeling like a reprimanded teenager again.

"I'm your boss." He said matter-of-factly.

 _Right_. For a moment, she had forgotten. In her mind, she was returning to her job as a detective in Vice. A place where she felt competent. A place where she knew everyone. But now she was in... Intelligence. With Hank as her boss. _And Jay as her partner_.

Slowly, she began to panic. The one thing she was feeling really confident about was no longer. She didn't know anything about her new team, how they operated. She knew Hank... so pretty much knew how they operated... but still.

Hank sensed her uneasiness. "Listen, kid." He walked over to sit next to her, the sun streaming in through the window shades and momentarily blinding him as he walked towards her. "When you do come back," He hadn't decided if it would be Monday, but she would come back to her team, to him. That he knew. "You'll be on desk duty until you feel comfortable." He reached out and placed a loving hand on her shoulder, like had done countless times before, urging her to relax. "And I'll be there."

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"Ready to go?" Jay walked into Erin's room after speaking to the nurse and signing the discharge paperwork. "Voight and Sophie are at-" He stopped speaking when he finally looked up from the paperwork and saw Erin. She was standing in the corner, crouching down slightly and using her hospital gown as a shield to hide her naked body. _What the hell?_

"I was... uh... just getting changed to leave." Erin stuttered by way of explanation. She had heard him come through the door and had instinctively bent down and covered up.

Shit. Of course she didn't want to change in front of him. She didn't even know him. "Uh... yeah." His eyes immediately turned to the floor, looking away from her bare shoulders that were peeking out behind the hospital gown. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." _Walk in on my wife changing?_ He wasn't sure how to finish that sentence, it sounded too ridiculous. "I'll let you get dressed." He turned and walked out of the room, embarrassed.

He needed to keep reminding himself that this Erin... she wasn't his wife. She wasn't Sophie's mother. She was a 23 year old brand new detective. An _unattached_ 23 year old brand new detective.

God, this was so hard. Harder than he would've ever expected. Because she looked like her, smiled like her, even bantered with him like her.

He and Erin weren't one of those married couples that changed when they got married. Other couples flirted less, smiled less, cared less... but that had never been them. Even when they became parents, the romance never left them. If anything, it strengthened their connection and made him want her more. When she smirked at him across the bullpen at work, it never failed to stir his insides. When he helped her put on her vest and slid his fingers slowly across her neck, it still gave her chills. When she walked into their bedroom wearing only his t-shirt... it made him feel like a teenager.

It would be easier if they had changed. Because then this Erin... with her smirks, and her smiles, with her raspy voice and sexy laugh.. She wouldn't remind him of his wife. But she did.

Suddenly, Erin appeared at the doorway, interrupting his thoughts. "I'm ready."

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The car ride was silent... and not in a good way. The awkward encounter in the hospital room had left Erin embarrassed and uncomfortable. Of course he would walk in when she was changing, he was her husband. Except she didn't feel like he was her husband.

She had thought everything was going well. She was still anxious about Jay being her husband, but if she was being honest, her main source of nerves and discomfort had surrounded Sophie. She had instantly felt connected to Jay. She felt comfortable with him, and she had felt a spark. But as she found herself cowering in the corner, she realized that a spark and a connection... those were things you felt when you were first dating someone. When it was all hot and exciting, finding out about each other, exploring each other's minds and bodies.

But they weren't dating. They were _married_. He knew her, he already knew her mind... and body.

And she knew nothing about him.

Jay pulled up to a familiar house, and Erin gave him a questioning look. "I thought you were taking me home?" Home. She didn't even know what that meant. Last she remembered, she had moved out of Hank's and was living in an apartment. She had know idea where she even lived with Jay and Sophie.

"We have to pick up Sophie." He explained, as he began to unbuckle and get out of the car. "And Hank is making dinner." Jay and Erin had been having family dinners with Hank on Saturday evening for years, even before Sophie came along. When Erin had first invited him, they'd only been dating 6 months. He had been so nervous he changed his outfit three times, something he had never done before. It had been weird seeing Hank outside of work and despite all of Erin's efforts to make him relax, Jay had been anxious throughout the entire dinner. Over the years, it had gotten easier, and he had even begun enjoying his time there. And when Sophie came along, he and Erin had loved watching Hank settle into his role as the doting grandfather.

As they ascended the stairs to Hank's house, Jay removed a key from his pocket. She looked at him questioningly as he inserted the key into the lock, "Cause I'm special... that's why." He said, smirking up at her.

Erin stared at him, an even deeper look of confusion gracing her face. His joke fell flat. _Of course it did_ , he thought. _She doesn't remember._

Before he could explain the reference, Sophie ran towards them. "Mama!" She shouted, throwing herself in Erin's arms once again.

This time, Erin had been ready for her. "Hi, princess."

At the word princess, Jay's ears perked up. Erin never called Sophie that. She even gave Jay a hard time when he called her that... which he did several times daily _. I don't want her to think she is a spoiled princess_ , Erin would say. _Erin she's not even two. I'm thinking it's okay._ He would respond with a wink.

She was surprised by her word choice, as well. But it has slipped out and with it, Sophie gave her a huge smile. She kissed the adorable toddler on the forehead, inhaling deeply, willing her scent to evoke some sort of recognition or memory. Nope, she thought disappointedly.

"Grandpa is making chili!" Sophie told her mother excitedly.

"He is?" Erin responded, mirroring her daughter's enthusiasm. With all the worrying she had done all day, this felt pretty okay, natural even. She smiled to herself, and carried Sophie into the kitchen. "Hey Hank," she spotted him standing over the stove.

He smiled at the scene, the way Erin rested Sophie on her hip so naturally. He chose not to acknowledge it, not wanting to make Erin uncomfortable. Twenty-three year old Erin still shut down on occasion, and he wanted to tread lightly. Instead, he spoke to Sophie. "So that's where my little helper went."

"I brought mommy to help too!" Sophie said, signaling for Hank to pick her up.

Hank lifted her from Erin's arms and stood her up on the chair that was stationed next to the stove, her designated 'helper spot'. "I think it needs a few more stirs, Soph."

Sophie stirred the chili a few more times, while Jay began to set the table. Erin watched the domestic scene, feeling momentarily disconnected from it all. She was on the other side of a glass wall, and she couldn't cross it. She watched as Jay removed plates and glasses from the cupboard, as if it was his own home. She watched Hank bending over and laughing with the young blonde Sophie, while he offered her a taste. They seemed like such a _family_. And she wasn't sure where she fit.

She shook the feeling off, and willed herself to join the group.

As they got ready to sit down at the table, Jay went to lift Sophie to put her in her high chair. "I want Mommy to do it!" She shouted, evading Jay's hands. "I want Mommy! I want Mommy! I want Mommy!"

Erin was taken aback by her shouts, the volume rising and growing more hysterical with each word. It wasn't the fact that she was shouting. It was her tone. She sounded so _desperate_ for her mother's attention, and she immediately recognized the desperation in her voice. But it wasn't a memory of Sophie... it was from her own childhood. How many times had she screamed like that for her mother. How many times had she begged her mother to pay attention to her, to wake up, to come home... How many social workers had she begged using those exact words.

For some reason, she couldn't move. The glass wall had risen once again, and she couldn't get through it. She couldn't be what her daughter needed. Maybe the sooner she realized that, the easier it would be for all of them.

Jay had been expecting Erin to walk over, put Sophie in the highchair. She had carried Sophie into the kitchen, after all. But she didn't move. Her face drained of color and her eyes grew vacant. He had no idea where her mind was, but she was not having a happy memory - of that he was certain.

"Sophie Camille." He said sternly, "If you want chili, I am putting you in your high chair."

 _Sophie Camille._ Erin heard the name, and she shivered. Tears filled her eyes, but she reflexively brushed them away. Her gaze remained locked on the floor, and she was still unable to move her feet.

"I want Mommy to do it!" Sophie was near hysterical now. Jay didn't know what to do. Sophie was too young. She couldn't understand why her mother was standing less than five feet away from her but wasn't looking in her direction, wasn't answering to being called. Erin never didn't answer her daughter.

Hank reached out and gently touched Erin's shoulder. He had seen the tears in her eyes when Jay spoke Sophie's middle name. He wasn't sure what was going on with her in that moment... but hearing Camille's name probably didn't help. He urged Erin to step forward.

She did. With Hank giving her strength, she walked towards her daughter and lifted her up. She kissed her on the forehead, mimicking the fatherly gesture Hank used on her hundreds of times when she was a teenager, and tried to calm her down. It worked, and she put Sophie down in the high chair.

Children had short memories, and the minute Jay placed a bowl of chili in front of Sophie, she chatted animatedly and the conversation at dinner flowed easily.

Erin didn't have the luxury of a short memory. She could still hear Sophie yelling "I want Mommy," hysterically, in her head. She tried to listen and engage in the dinner conversation, but Sophie's words continued on repeat.

Towards the end of dinner, Sophie began to yawn and slowly her eyes drifted closed as she rested her head against the top of the high chair.

"I think it's time I get my girls home," Jay said to Hank, slowly standing from the chair and gathering the bowls to bring them to the sink.

"Uh... if it's okay with you..." Erin's raspy voice was quiet, and she stuttered through the words. "I think I... uh... should stay with Hank." She watched Jay as he turned back to face her, his face crestfallen, and she quickly added, "Just for a little while."

Jay turned bak to the sink, and turned on the tap, allowing the chili bowls to fill. _My girls,_ he had said. He had been deluding himself, thinking she was still his.

She wasn't his. She wasn't Erin Halstead.

She was Erin Lindsay. What had people called her when they first met? _Voight's girl._ She had a reputation for being independent, carefree, and a fearless detective that was loyal to one person, and one person only.

He drained and cleaned the bowls, not turning around. He waited for Voight to speak up, to encourage her to go home with him. He waited for Erin to say she changed her mind. But by the time the bowls were cleaned and dried, no one had spoken a word.

So without speaking a word himself, he turned and picked up Sophie from the hight chair. Still asleep, she slumped into his arms. He slid her coat around her, careful not to wake her.

And then, without another glance at Hank or Erin, he left.

xoxo


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9,

Jay couldn't remember the last time he had been this exhausted. The past week had been one of the most physically and emotionally draining weeks of his life, and then Sophie spent the entire weekend unusually fussy. He had actually been entirely surprised by Sophie's behavior. Erin had travelled to New York with Voight for work a few months back, and while Sophie was definitely a little more temperamental during that time, this weekends behavior truly didn't compare. She was a _wreck_... and he was bone tired.

He and Erin hadn't spoken since he left Voight's Saturday night. They had never gone this long without communicating with each other. They rarely ever argued, but even the occasional times that they had fought, they never went to bed angry. And they certainly didn't go a full day without speaking. But now it was Monday morning, and it had been a full 36 hours since they had spoken a word.

At first, he thought Erin was mad at him for leaving so quickly without even a discussion, that she was giving him the silent treatment. But soon he realized it wasn't that... it wasn't that at all. She wasn't purposely or actively ignoring him, she probably wasn't even thinking of him... he was just _irrelevant_ to her. This version of her wasn't preoccupied with thoughts of him or their daughter.

Those thoughts disheartened more than any of the rest of it... and after he dropped off Sophie at daycare, he drove to work with the music blaring, trying to drown out his thoughts. He was looking forward to a long, distracting day of work.

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Despite her best efforts, Erin did not recover any new memories over the long weekend. She poured over photo album after photo album, analyzing every picture with Sophie. She memorized her face at every age, completely transfixed by her slow transformation from a tiny baby to a beautiful blonde hair hazel eyed beauty.

The whole time, through every album, she avoided the pictures of her and Jay.

For some reason, even though she had clearly missed all of the developmental milestones of her baby, she felt she could learn them through pictures. She could relearn how to be a mother to her daughter, and then she wouldn't miss the rest of the moments. Her daughter had so much more life to live, and while two years was a lot to miss... Hank had missed 15 years of her life and he was still the best father she could have ever wished for.

But things felt different with Jay. The development of their relationship... the milestones they had reached... Missing out on those and moving on from them felt insurmountable. So, she avoided the pictures. Because seeing evidence of the best moments of her life and not being able to remember them was too painful.

Hank had agreed to let Erin go back to work, and for that she was beyond grateful. Erin was sure Hank had only agreed to get her away from the photo albums, but she didn't care what his reasons were. As long as it got her out of the house. She had loved that house... it was the first real home she had ever known. But right now, the walls felt like they were closing in on her.

Hank drove her to work, and they had arrived an hour early so he could give her a tour of District 21. She had been relieved when she learned Sergeant Platt was the desk Sergeant and that Alvin Olinsky was in their unit. She had known Platt and Olinsky since she was 15, and she welcomed the familiar faces in the wholy unfamiliar environment.

After showing Erin around the district, Hank brought her to the bullpen and showed her to her desk. "You have about 30 minutes until everyone gets here." Hank told her. He had wanted her to have some time at her desk alone, reacquainting herself with her things, before the rest of the team made their appearances. "Coffee's in the break room." He pointed in the direction of the break room, and then began walking towards his office. "You going to be okay out here?"

"Yeah," the unsteadiness of her voice gave her away, but she nodded, giving Hank permission to leave her alone. She took a deep breath and sat down at her desk. She glided her fingers against the familiar wood of the government issued desks and leaned back in her leather chair, slowly taking it all in.

She recognized a photo on the left side of her desk, next to the phone. It was a picture of Hank, Camille, Justin, and her from the day she graduated from the academy. She never remembered a time where she felt happier or more proud of herself than she did on that day. Hank and Camille had taken her and Justin out to a fancy dinner afterwards, and Hank had given her a heartfelt speech that had them all tearing up over their wine. The photo was in the same brown frame it had been in when it graced her desk at Vice. The presence of the photo relaxed her, giving this desk even more of a sense of familiarity.

The photo on the right side of her desk was one she did not recognize. It was a picture of her with Jay and Sophie in a silver frame. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the photo, and she picked it up so she could analyze it closer. Erin was dressed in a black dress with black and gold stiletto heels, her hair was in a low bun and her makeup was smoky but subtle. Sophie was in her arms wearing a white dress with a large purple ribbon. After mapping Sophie's timeline last night, Erin figured Sophie was about 12-14 months in the picture. Her hair was curled in ringlets, but it was significantly shorter than her hair now. She had a purple bow in her hair, that was slightly falling out of place. Jay was wearing a charcoal grey suit, with a blue shirt and a skinny blue and grey tie. He was clean shaven, and he looked magnificent.

They looked like the world's most perfect family. But that wasn't what took her breath away when she peered at the picture.

In the photograph, Sophie was the only one looking at the camera. Erin had been looking down at her daughter, a huge and adoring smile plastered on her face. But Jay... Jay had been looking at Erin lovingly, a huge grin on his face. No one had ever looked at her the way Jay was looking at her in this picture... like she was his entire world. Like he loved her so deeply and so completely that he couldn't even take his eyes off her for one moment to look at the camera.

The thought gave her goosebumps, and she immediately wrapped her arms around herself trying to warm and calm her body.

Suddenly the familiarity of the government supplied wooden desk and the Voight family photo wasn't enough, and she needed to stand up and walk away from the desk. She decided to walk into the break room and give herself a minute to collect herself.

She was brewing a cup of coffee when she heard voices come through the open door of the break room.

"Jesus, Halstead." An unfamiliar voice said in the bullpen. "You look like shit."

Erin's ears perked up at the sound of someone addressing Jay. She hadn't even realized he was here yet.

"Bite me, Ruzek." Erin watched as Jay fell into the chair at the desk across from hers.

Ruzek walked over to Jay's desk, and patted him on the back. "Seriously though. Is everything okay, man?"

Jay put his head in his hands, and responded without looking up. "Sophie has been a terror all weekend." He emphasized the word terror, and Erin's breath hitched at the sound of her daughter's name. Reflexively, she began walking towards the doorway. "I guess being abandoned by her mother isn't so fun for her." His voice was sarcastic and angry, and it stopped Erin in her tracks.

She hadn't realized she had made a sound, but suddenly Ruzek and Jay's eyes were on her, staring at her in the doorway. She stood self-consciously and unmoving for another moment, but then retreated inside the break room, returning to the coffee machine. The coffee was ready, and she busied herself pouring and preparing it.

 _Shit_. Jay had not expected to see Erin at work, and he certainly hadn't intended for her to overhear that comment. It was a distasteful and offensive thing to say, and he hadn't truly meant it. He was just overtired and working on a short fuse.

He gave Ruzek an apologetic nod, and walked into the break room to talk to Erin. He closed the door shut quietly behind him and looked over at her. She was standing and facing the counter, pouring cream into her cup of coffee. He noticed that her hand was trembling, and she was tapping the counter with her other hand, like she did when she was upset about something. "Hey," he said quietly, the word coming out like a sigh.

"Hi." She said the word quickly, not looking back at him. Tears were welling up in her eyes and she didn't want him to see how much his words had affected her. He had used the word _abandoned_.

She had spent the weekend convincing herself that she could be a good mother to Sophie. The desperate "I want Mommy!" running on repeat finally died down, and she had spent the rest of the weekend studying her daughter like she was preparing to take a test. For some reason, it hadn't occurred to that while she was preparing herself to 'resume motherhood', her daughter had been left feeling abandoned.

That had never been her intention.

"I'm sorry I said that," Jay said, coming up behind Erin and settling his hands on her shoulder.

The feeling of his hands on her surprised her, and she flinched at his touch. She instinctively turned around, forgetting about hiding her tears from him. "Don't be. You're right."

He reached out and wiped her tears away with his thumb, and gave her a sad smile. "I wasn't being fair. I'm just..." He kept his hand resting on her cheek and looked into her hazel eyes. The eyes that could always instantly calm him, but now looked so uncertain, so scared. "I think I'm a little out of my element here." He moved his hand slowly down her neck, his fingertips now trailing the length of her collarbone. "I know you are too." He knew he should moved his hand away, knowing the gesture might be too intimate for her. He just needed to feel her warm skin under his hands. He had turned over so many times in the night reaching for her, each time disappointed when his hand found the cold, empty sheet. "We are just going to have to do the best we can to figure all of this out."

"Yeah." She reveled in the feel of his hand on her skin, barely able to comprehend the words coming out of his mouth. "I'm just not sure how." She whispered in reply. She was embarrassed to admit it, but she didn't see any easy answers. She didn't know how they should approach the situation.

"Why don't you come over for dinner tonight?" He finally willed himself to remove his hand from her skin. Instead of putting it in a safe place, like his pocket, he rested it on the countertop, essentially cornering her into the tight place between him and the counter.

"Okay," she said, more confidently than she felt. Her eyes drifted from Jay's green eyes to his lips, and then back to his eyes. The magnetic pull she had felt in the hospital had returned and she had a sudden urge to kiss him. "I'd like that."

Jay watched as Erin's eyes found his lips, and he decided to seize the opportunity. He moved his hand from the counter, and found the small of her back. He pulled her into him ever so slowly, never breaking eye contact. He leaned in ever so slightly, giving her adequate time to pull away if she wanted.

Then he placed his lips gently on hers. She hesitated, only for a moment, and then she kissed him back.

And just for a moment they forgot everything - her injury, the memory loss, the hurt and confusion and sadness that followed. He kissed her, breathing in the familiar scent of her skin and feeling the warmth of her body under his hands. She kissed him back, reveling in the sensations that felt equal parts exciting and new, but also familiar and comfortable. As their kiss deepened and grew more intimate, the world fell away. It was just the two of them, floating away... lips, hands, hearts.

Suddenly, a light knock at the door jolted them apart, and Erin reached up to smooth her hair. "Come on, we have a case." A voice said at the other side of the door. Another voice she didn't recognize. And just like that, they were forced back to reality.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10,

Erin began to follow Jay out of the break room and into the bullpen to hear more about the new case, but she stopped short in the doorway. Hank was standing facing the team, his body partially blocked by a large white board. Olinsky was sitting and scribbling something on a piece of paper at his desk, which seemed to be almost hidden in the corner of the room. Other than Hank, Olinsky, and Jay, there were three others standing in the room. All three of them were staring at her.

She recognized the only female in the room. Her brown hair was swept up in a neat pony tail, and she was wearing tight jeans and a dark blue v-neck t-shirt. She had minimal make-up on and she looked effortlessly pretty. Erin had seen her at the hospital; she had been standing in the back of her hospital room when Erin had woken up originally, but had left almost immediately. _That must be Kim,_ she thought, _my best friend._

She forced herself to move further into the room to join the rest of the team, and she went over to sit at her desk. The three pairs of eyes followed her and she averted her eyes uncomfortably, reaching for a pen to take notes on the case.

"Erin," Hank spoke gruffly, knocking the three young detectives out of their trances. "This is Adam Ruzek, Kevin Atwater, and Kim Burgess," he said, by way of introduction. "Lindsay will be on desk duty until I say otherwise, but she's still a detective in this unit and I want everyone to treat her as such." Without any more explanation, he turned to the white board and began to explain the case.

As Jay listened to Hank explain the details of the latest case, his eyes continued to drift to Erin. He could still taste her on his lips, and part of him wanted to walk over to her desk, lift her up, and haul her into the locker room to finish what they'd started.

The other part of him, though... felt confused, and maybe just a little cautious. Erin had spent the entire weekend avoiding him and Sophie, and Sophie hadn't handled it well. Erin couldn't just come in and out of Sophie's life... he wouldn't allow her to just pop in when it suited her, and run away just as quickly.

Sophie needed consistency. He needed to protect her.

And if he was being honest... he wanted to protect himself, too. When he had kissed Erin... he had gotten completely lost in the moment and he had forgotten that it wasn't really his wife underneath his hands.

"Halstead, Burgess, go to the motel and see if you can get any security footage from last night." Voight's order interrupted Jay's thoughts.

As he stood from his desk and grabbed his jacket, Jay decided he would talk to Erin about setting up a more consistent schedule tonight at dinner. They would figure something out. They had to. "I'm driving," he said to Kim as he walked past her desk and out the door.

The rest of the day moved slowly for Erin, stuck at her desk while the rest of the team was out consulting CIs and following up on leads. She couldn't wait for her work day to be over so she could go have dinner with Jay and her daughter.

At one point in the afternoon when she couldn't stare at her computer any longer, she decided to take a walk outside. She couldn't get her mind off of the kiss she and Jay had shared that morning, and the busy work wasn't helping.

The cold breeze hit her immediately when she stepped outside, but she just wrapped her scarf tighter around her neck and pressed on down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, for some reason she couldn't explain, she felt her body turning right and walking towards the wall of names. _Fallen Members of District 21,_ it read.

She slowly glided her finger along the names, whispering each name aloud. She waited for one of the names leaving her lips to trigger a memory, but by the time she read the last name, no memories had arisen.

"Hey," a female voice came suddenly from behind her, causing her to jump and quickly remove her hand from the wall. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up on you."

She recognized her immediately, "Kim, hey."

Kim looked past her at the wall of names. She could tell Erin was embarrassed to have been found down here, although she couldn't imagine why. "I come down here sometimes too," she said, walking towards Erin. "I miss her."

Kim reached past Erin and touched a name. _Nadia Decotis_. She couldn't help but be disappointed when the name didn't evoke any emotional response.

Erin didn't respond and Kim quickly picked up on Erin's increasing discomfort, "Listen," she said softly. "I can't imagine what you are going through right now. But I want you to know I'm here for you." She almost reached out and touched Erin, but then thought better of it. "Sometimes it can be easier to talk to a stranger, you know... without all the expectations and family responsibilities." Erin was still shifting uncomfortably, her hands clasped together, gloveless and white with cold. "I know I'm not really a stranger," she smiled warmly at her best friend, hoping it would put her at ease, "But there's no pressure and no expectations here." She turned, but before leaving she turned back. "I'm a text or phone call away. Doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night and you just need someone to sit and watch TV with. I'm always here." And with that, she walked away.

Erin stood for a few more minutes, thinking of Kim's words. She was a _stranger_. That was the problem wasn't it? They were all strangers to her. But Kim was right. Jay, Sophie... even Hank a little bit... they were strangers to her, but she was family to them. They were strangers that looked at her expectantly hoping she would remember them. It felt like a lot of pressure.

Instead of resenting it though... she just hoped she could rise to the occasion. She reached out and touched Nadia's name, hoping this girl she had known was up in heaven, standing with Camille and Justin, looking down on her and giving her strength.

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Finally, 5 pm rolled around and Hank dismissed everyone for the day. Erin began to save all the documents on her desktop and log out of her computer, and when she looked up, Jay was standing above her. "I'm going to pick up Soph from daycare." He shrugged his black leather jacket on over his muscular shoulders as he spoke, and as he stretched his arms up, his t-shirt rose above his jeans, allowing Erin a brief view of his sculpted abs. "Want to meet us at home around 6?" She forced herself to look away from his body and back up to meet his face.

 _Home_. "Yeah, sounds good," she said calmly, hoping she portrayed more confidence than she felt. Erin couldn't help but feel immediately disappointed when she realized she didn't know where _home_ was. She couldn't get up the nerve to ask Jay, and instead she just watched him walk away.

She stood from her desk and walked over to Hank's office, knocking twice to alert him to her arrival.

"Come on in." He said without looking up. He was surprised to see Erin standing in the doorway, she didn't usually knock. She was the only member of the intelligence unit that let herself in and out of his office whenever she pleased, and she only knocked when she was angry with him and was trying to be passive aggressive.

Erin didn't speak right away, instead she allowed her eyes to take in her surroundings. It was the first time Erin had stepped foot into Hank's office, and her eyes fell to his desk. She immediately recognized the sterling silver star paper weight she had bought him during the first Christmas she was living with him. It was the first gift she had ever bought him and she had hardly been able to afford it. Originally she hadn't been able to decide what to buy Hank, she wanted to express how grateful she was to him for taking her in. In the end, Camille went with her and helped her pick it out. God, she really missed Camille and her guidance. It didn't matter if it was something as small as picking out a Christmas gift or as large as choosing a career or her first apartment, Camille always had the right answers.

Camille would know what to do now. "So Jay invited me over for dinner tonight."

Hank signaled for Erin to take a seat, "That's what you want right?" He could tell she was nervous, but he knew she didn't have any reason to be.

"Yeah, it is." Now she was looking at the other objects on his desk, mostly just to avoid his gaze. "It's just... uh." She couldn't see the pictures lining his desk, only catching the backs of several wooden frames. She wanted to turn them around and study them like she had at her own desk that morning. She resisted reaching for them and continued, "I don't know how to get there." She admitted, finally meeting his gaze.

"You know, Erin." He let out a low chuckle, his voice his usual deep gravelly tone. "Nowadays, there is thing called Google Maps. I'm an old man... but I think even I can teach you how to use it." He stood from his chair, and came around to sit on the edge of his desk to be closer to her. His face grew serious, and he reached out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I'll give you the address. Everything is just going to take some time." He leaned in to her and kissed her briefly on the forehead and then stood up, grabbing his coat off the hook and walking towards the closed door. "Come on, you can drop me off at home and take my car."

"You're going to let me drive your car?" She stood from the seat and followed him out the door. "Wow," she raised her eyebrows in mock surprise. "I guess a lot has changed in the past 10 years."

He laughed at her sassy remark, the same she would have made when she was 15. _Not as much as you would think,_ he thought and began to smile as he walked with his foster daughter towards his car.

0000000000000000

She arrived at the address early, and parked on the street in front of the house. From the car, she took in the medium-sized brick house with a wrap-around porch and a deep green door. It had a pretty large yard for Chicago standards, and the grass was neatly mowed. There was a large expanse of plants and flowers that lined the walkway up to the porch and she couldn't help but smile at the view. Camille had always taken great care to maintain her gardens, and she knew Camille would be proud of this beautiful yard.

At exactly 6 pm, she unbuckled and took a deep breath. _You can do this,_ she encouraged herself as she stepped out of the car. Even though there was no snow on the ground and the flowers were still fairing well, a deep cold had settled on Chicago, especially in the evenings. She wrapped her coat tighter around her body, and walked to the door. She stood at the door, shivering slightly in the cold, but didn't lift her hand to knock.

 _One, two, three, knock. One, two, three, knock._ Her hands stayed firmly placed in the pocket of her black North Face coat, this time clad in black leather gloves. _Come on, Erin. You made it here, don't wimp out now. One, two, three, knock._

Jay had seen her arrive from where he had been standing in the kitchen. When he and Erin had moved into the house, Hank had given them a large check as a housewarming gift. Erin had tried to refuse the gift, knowing it would make Jay uncomfortable. Hank wouldn't hear of it, and after seeing the house for the first time, Hank had encouraged Erin and Jay to take the money to 'gut this god awful kitchen'. It took the remodelers six months, but Erin had her dream kitchen put in, which included a breakfast nook with a large window overlooking the front yard. Jay had been giving Sophie a snack to tide her over until dinner, and had seen Erin pull up.

He watched her sit in the car nervously, taking in her surroundings. He was glad he had thought to water the flowers and plants today. Erin loved to garden with Sophie, and Erin had always told her daughter that it was something special they could do together to honor her namesake.

When she finally got out of the car, he watched Erin walk up the front steps on to the porch, and stand by the door. She had a determined look on her face, but she also looked terrified. He realized she had no idea what to expect behind those doors. They had built an entire life, but it wasn't one this Erin was a part of.

He finally decided to put Erin out of her misery, and went to open the front door. "I was going to let you stand out there for a few more minutes," he said, opening the screen door to let her in. He tried to sound more casual than he felt. "But it's freezing out there, and I'm starving." She took a step inside but then stood awkwardly in the doorway, not removing her gloves or coat. She seemed to be waiting for permission to pass through the foyer. "I'll take your coat," he said, trying to relax himself. If he relaxed, maybe she would relax too.

"Thanks," she said, removing her coat to reveal the same outfit she had been wearing earlier today. The same outfit she had been wearing when she left the hospital on Saturday.

"No clothes at Voight's?" He smirked and began gesturing for her to follow him into the kitchen.

She laughed, allowing herself to relax at his smile. "I opened my drawer this morning looking for clothes to change into and found a drawer of diapers and wipes."

The tension in his shoulders released slightly at the sound of her laugh, it felt so good to have her in their kitchen again. "Yeah, Soph kind of took over your room over there. Hank likes to spoil her rotten when she sleeps over."

At the sound of her name, Sophie ran into the kitchen. "Mama!" It was the third time that Erin watched her daughter run into her arms.

"Hi, Soph!" She responded excitedly, lifting her up and swinging her around. She had been waiting for this moment all weekend. In the hospital, she had been overwhelmed, searching her daughter's features and listening to her voice, trying to bring back a memory. The second time, she had been a little more comfortable, but still nervous and unprepared. This time, she was ready. She had quizzed Hank on all of Sophie's favorite things all weekend long. She had studied every photograph, looked at all the finger paintings and art pieces that Hank hung proudly on his walls. She was ready to take on the role as mother to this amazing little girl.

Erin kissed Sophie all over her face and tickled her tummy until she giggled uncontrollably in her arms. She reminded herself that Hank and Camille had missed the first 15 years of her life. They were the most important people in her life, the best parents anyone could ever wish to have. She could do this. "What's for dinner, baby?" She looked down at Sophie, relaxing her hand against Sophie's stomach to give her daughter a break from the tickles and the opportunity to answer. She didn't, but instead looked at Jay. Erin followed Sophie's gaze, and she saw Jay looking at them with a huge smile, his eyes full of love and awe. The look Jay was giving her was too intense, so instead she turned back to Sophie and repeated her question. "Are you hungry, baby?"

"Uh..." Jay, who had been astounded by the scene, spoke up when he saw his daughters confused face. "She isn't answering because you usually call...uh... you call me baby... not her."

Erin's cheeks reddened immediately, and she turned away from Jay to hide her embarrassment. She leaned her face down and began kissing and tickling her daughter's tummy, her laugh causing the tension in the room to dissipate once again.

When Sophie's laughter died down, Erin walked over to Jay and whispered in his ear. "What do I call her?" She was so ashamed that she even had to ask, but she didn't want to confuse her daughter.

Jay could tell it had been a hard question for Erin to ask; it had never been easy for Erin to ask for help, and this was clearly a new level. "I call her princess, which you hate," he said, giving her his signature Halstead grin. "You call her bug or monkey, which I hate!"

She laughed, and began to place Sophie in her highchair. "Why does that not surprise me at all?" It made her happy whenever Jay told her something about this new version of herself - _her future self_? - that aligned with what the old version of Erin - _her current self? her 10 years ago self? what was she supposed to call it?_ \- would think. It was nice to know she hadn't lost her identity or changed too much. If she had become someone unrecognizable, she wasn't sure she could ever get back there.

Jay walked over to get the Chinese takeout he had bought, and brought it over to the table. As Erin unloaded the food, Jay began spooning some rice and small pieces of chicken onto Sophie's plate. Sophie talked about her day at daycare, and Erin was surprised by how much of Sophie's words she could understand.

After dinner, Jay said he needed to bathe Sophie and put her to bed. Erin said goodnight to her daughter and gave her big hugs and kisses, but she stayed back when Jay walked up the stairs with Sophie in his arms. She was hoping Jay would invite her to join and learn their nightly routine, but when he hadn't, she didn't ask - partly because she felt awkward asking permission to put her own daughter to sleep, but also partly because she didn't wanted to impose.

Instead, she busied herself with gathering the leftovers and placing them in the fridge and washing the dishes. The kitchen she stood in was beautiful. It was exactly what she would have designed, it was as if she picked everything out herself. Dark wooden cabinets with blue granite counter tops, a large island in the center of the room with lining one side, plus a breakfast nook and large windows alone the front and side walls. She wondered how they had afforded such a beautiful home with such a modern kitchen, but she wasn't going to ask.

When she finished cleaning up she decided to walk around the rest of the downstairs. She began in the dining room, and was again impressed with the elegant decor. As she peered at the mirrors and paintings adorning the walls, she thought again how proud Camille would have been. And again, she wished Camille were there with her, holding her hand through this overwhelming time.

She moved down the hall and found the family room. There were toys scattered all over the floor, there was a large puzzle on the coffee table, and there were two pink blankets draped over the dark brown leather sofa. Everywhere she looked, there was evidence that a child lived there. Over the fireplace was a giant, way too big TV mounted against the wall... evidence a man lived there. She walked towards the fire place, hoping to get a glimpse of the pictures that adorned the mantelpiece, when she heard Jay coming down the stairs.

She walked towards the bottom of the stairs to meet him. "I should probably get going," she said. Even though she said the words, she realized that she didn't want to leave.

"Okay," he replied, and she was immediately disappointed. "I wanted to run an idea past you first, if that's okay." He stood at the bottom of the stairs, afraid to move closer. He needed to outline his plan, and part of his plan was keeping some distance between them.

"Yeah, of course," she said, trying to seem nonchalant.

"I know you overheard me talking about Sophie this morning. My unnecessary comment about you aside, I really do think she was fussier than usual because she missed you." Guilt washed over her face, and he immediately continued, trying to explain without making her feel bad. "She is too young to understand, and I just think she needs some consistency."

Erin's breath caught in her throat, she was too afraid to let it out. She thought tonight had gone well. She had enjoyed spending time with Sophie so much, and as much as she couldn't blame Jay for not wanting her around, she knew she would be devastated if he asked her to stay away. She looked down at the floor, hoping he didn't see the hurt in her eyes. "I understand," she said quietly.

"I was hoping you could come for dinner every night." Erin looked up at him with surprise, happy tears now welling in her eyes. "We can put her to bed together, like we would normally do."

 _So I should have gone with them_. "I'd like that a-"

"And then after she goes to bed, you can go back to Voight's." Jay had cut Erin off mid sentence, and she couldn't help the surprise and disappointment that arose at his words. She wasn't sure she was ready to move in with Jay and Sophie... but after their unbelievable kiss this afternoon and after their family dinner... she was shocked by how standoffish Jay was being now. He hadn't even moved from the bottom of the stairs. He was standing as far back as he could without going back up.

In truth, Jay wanted nothing more than for Erin to stay with him. He wanted to take her upstairs right now and wrap his arms around her protectively. He wanted to kiss her and make love to her and hold her and never ever let her go.

But this version of Erin wasn't his wife. She wasn't his girlfriend. She wasn't even his friend. She didn't know him at all.

What if she got to know him and she didn't like what she found. It would quite literally destroy him.

So for now, they needed to focus on Sophie. And the rest could wait.

 **xoxo**

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter :) Please review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hope you enjoy this chapter :) Please review!**

Chapter 11,

"Come on, bug. It's time for bed!" Erin had finished washing the dishes from dinner and wiping down the kitchen counter tops, and she walked into the living room to find Jay and Sophie building a tower with blocks. It was past her bed time, and Erin needed to get back to Voight's. Olive and Daniel, two people Erin had just learned about and met, were staying at Voight's for the weekend and she was planning to meet them for dessert.

"5 more minutes! Please please please Mommy!" Sophie smiled sweetly up at her mother, and there was no way Erin would be able to say no to those dimples. She could be a little late.

Jay stood from his seat on the couch and kissed his daughter on the top of her head. "Okay, princess. Five minutes, but then you have to go to bed nicely for Mommy, okay?" He rumpled her hair and began walking towards Erin.

 _Jay always gives in so easily,_ Erin thought. She smiled at the thought, realizing that three weeks ago she never would have been able to put _Jay_ and _always_ in the same sentence. She had been coming over every night after work to eat dinner and spend time with Jay and Sophie. She would put Sophie to bed, and then be back in the morning before Sophie woke up. She even knew how Jay took his coffee now, medium dark blend with a little bit of skim milk, and she brought him a cup every morning. In other words, they had their routine down.

Not wanting to show how much this exchange thrilled her, instead she gave Jay an eyebrow raise and an irritated look that said: _5 more minutes? Really?_

"You know what the best thing about our daughter being two years old is?" Jay whispered in Erin's ear, by way of response. He knew Sophie wasn't paying attention and he could've spoken the words aloud, but he couldn't help but lean in to Erin, wanting to feel her closeness.

"What?" She tried to stifle her smile, Jay's breath on her ear making her feel giddy.

He looked at Erin conspiratorially and said, "She has no concept of what 5 minutes means." He winked at Erin and then walked back over to Sophie. "Okay, Soph. Five minutes are up!" He lifted her from the couch and hauled her over his shoulder while she giggled uncontrollably. "Let's go princess!"

"Mommy, mommy! I'm upside down!" Jay walked with Sophie up the stairs with Erin trailing behind.

After her bath, three books, a goodnight song, and several hugs and kisses goodnight, Jay and Erin turned off the lights and closed Sophie's door, walking quietly downstairs.

As was their routine, Erin reached the bottom of the stairs and began putting on her coat. Jay watched as she slowly slid her arms into her thick winter jacket. She wrapped her cream-colored scarf around her neck before zipping her jacket up to the top.

He wanted to ask her to stay. Every night Jay watched Erin put on her coat and every night he almost asked her to stay. But for some reason, he could never find the words.

Everything had been going so well for their family. Erin was resuming her role as Sophie's mother as if she had never left. Sure, there had been some bumps along the way, some awkward moments. Erin didn't know which stuffed animal and blanket were Sophie's favorite, she hadn't been able to find the special towels with the animal hoods, and the first night, Sophie had been confused when Erin didn't remember to sing her the goodnight song. But all in all, Erin was a fantastic mother - she always had been - and this accident hadn't changed that.

But for some reason, their relationship seemed more complicated. As much as Sophie didn't pick up on the changes in her mother, Jay picked up on the changes in his wife. She was never fully relaxed around him. Usually after they put Sophie to bed, they would sit on the couch drinking beer and talk about their day or watch TV. She would constantly reach over and touch him, putting a hand on his leg or arm, or rest it on his cheek. She always said she had to make up for all the time they couldn't touch at work when they had to 'be professional'. Now, she was careful never to touch Jay. She never relaxed with him on the couch unless Sophie was between them.

His missed the quiet moments. The husband and wife - you don't have to say anything - just sitting together - quiet moments.

She also never brought up Camille or Justin. She was clearly grieving, anyone could see that. She would lose time staring at that family photo on her desk. She would go hide in Hank's office, and one morning when she had clearly hit a low point, she had even walked over to Hank in the middle of the bullpen and wrapped him in a tight hug, a single tear falling down her cheek. But she didn't talk to Jay about it. She had her walls up - walls he had worked so hard to tear down many times before.

There were other things too. Like, for some reason it irritated Jay that she brought him coffee every morning. She used to do that when they were just partners - but now they made their coffee at home. His favorite part of the day was waking Sophie and bringing her into the kitchen, the coffee brewing and Erin sitting in the breakfast nook waiting for him. Store bought coffee delivered and drank on the way to work just wasn't the same.

"Do you think that there is any chance," Erin had her hand on the door handle, ready to leave when she turned back to Jay, interrupting him from his thoughts, "that I will ever get our daughter to laugh like you do when you flip her upside down?"

 _Our daughter._ He let out a small laugh and grinned at his wife, "Oh, definitely."

All of a sudden, as she listened to the words come from Jay's lips and she saw his unbelievably sexy grin, a memory washed over Erin.

 _Jay and Erin were sitting at a high-top table, drinks in their hands. It was the night of her high school reunion, she had asked Jay to go with her and pretend to be her fiance. Last minute, she had backed out of the reunion, and instead she and Jay went to a quiet bar for a drink. The low lighting made for a romantic atmosphere, and their table positioned next to a large window, overlooking the twinkling lights of the city._

 _She had never seen Jay look more handsome than he did at that moment in the low lights of the bar. She had seem him look sexy and dangerous, in jeans and a t-shirt, talking to witnesses, holding a gun. But_ damn _if he didn't clean up nice in a suit._

 _She knew she owed him an explanation for why they had bailed out on the high school reunion. And surprisingly, she found herself telling him the truth. "So like you saw in my file, I was Voight's CI so he knew me." He stared into her eyes as she spoke, listening so intently to her words. "And when I was 16 him and his wife took me in. He saved me." She smiled wistfully, and took another long sip of her drink._

 _She told him about St. Ignatius, about her history as a street kid. He didn't interrupt and he didn't take his eyes off of her. When she told him about the mean girls at school, he just smiled mischievously and said, "Who's ass did you kick first?" She laughed in response - in the short time he knew her, he seemed to know her so well._

 _At one point after a long silence, he looked deep into her hazel eyes and grabbed her hand gently, squeezing it lightly._

 _She knew that look. Many men had given her that look in the past. And even though no other man's look had made her feel quite the same as Jay's did, she knew they couldn't go there. "We can't," was all she said._

 _He grinned at her, seemingly not put off or surprised by her answer. Instead he stood and said, "Come on, let's get you home."_

 _Even though she knew nothing could happen between them, she felt her body being pulled to him like a magnet, and when she stood up, she stood close to him, their bodies only separated by a thin layer of air. She looked his body up and down, she was so tempted. "Maybe some day," she said wistfully, reaching his eyes again._

 _"Oh, definitely."_

"Erin?" Erin was standing with her hand still on the doorknob, but she hadn't moved or spoken in a couple seconds. He hoped she was having a memory of some kind.

"Yeah," she shook her head, bringing herself back to reality. "Sorry, um." She tried to regain her focus, the memory of that night still fresh in her mind. "I should, uh." She shook her head again, struggling to form words. "Get going." She finished and turned awkwardly.

"You remembered that night," He remembered the first time he had said those words to his wife, and he hoped it had triggered that memory. That night had been a turning point for them. "Didn't you?"

"Yeah." She whispered quietly, turning back to face him and looking at him cautiously.

He could see she wasn't ready to talk about it. Even if this version of Erin was different than his wife, he still knew her well enough to know she needed to take some time to process all of this. "That was a good night," he leaned into her and slowly kissed her on the cheek, and then pulled back, signaling that it was okay for her to go.

Erin sat shivering in the car. She couldn't be sure if the shivers were from the cold that had descended on the evening, or from the memory. It was so _clear_. And it felt so _significant_.

The other memories had been different. The flirtatious banter in the car... they picked that up again easily, and she could recognize herself in that memory. The memory of her being married and pregnant... that seemed like an entirely different person. All this time she had been waiting for something to bridge them... something to explain how she had gotten from enjoying a sexually charged but generally innocent work partnership to a lifelong commitment and a baby.

This memory shifted things into place.

She had told Jay about her past. She had trusted him with her history, with Hank and Camille. She had told him her mom was a junkie and her father was in jail. He had looked sexy as sin in his suit, but his eyes were full of comfort and understanding.

It was an unbeatable combination, and now she realized she wasn't _at all_ surprised she was married to Jay.

She had never seen herself settling down. She had never seen herself being the "marrying" kind. Even the past few weeks with Jay and Sophie, she felt more comfortable in her role as a mother than a wife - but that may have had something to do with her helping raise Teddy.

Even so, she couldn't see herself as a wife to Jay. Day after day, night after night, she spent time with him. Their aforementioned witty banter made her day for more enjoyable. And she was attracted to him - that was for sure. He was also a fantastic father. She had thought she was maybe falling for him, she had realized that a few days ago.

But she had excused that as a result of the sexual tension she felt between them whenever they were alone. And she had fallen for guys before, albeit briefly, but still. She couldn't imagine how she could go from maybe falling for a guy to wanting to _marry_ him, to spend the rest of her _life_ with him.

But that memory... the trust she placed in him and the comfort and understanding he gave back... yeah, she could see it. She could definitely see it.

She just wished she could see the rest of it. She wanted to remember it all.

Xoxoxoxo


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12,

It had been two weeks since Erin had had her last memory. Two weeks of the same routine. Two weeks back on full duty, spending her days partnered with Jay at work and spending her nights with Jay and Sophie.

In the past two weeks, Erin had fallen completely in love with Sophie and with motherhood, and her feelings for Jay had grown. But something else was growing too... her frustration. She was frustrated by her memory's lack of progress, and she was frustrated with Jay.

Jay seemed to only be interested in Erin as a partner at work and as a co-parent for Sophie. He hadn't so much as touched her since he kissed her on the cheek two weeks ago. It was driving her _crazy_.

She was standing in the break room, pouring herself a cup of coffee and trying to give herself a break from Jay. Trying to act normal around him when all she wanted to do was jump his bones was exhausting. She heard footsteps coming into the room, and she silently prayed it wasn't Jay walking up behind her.

"Soph has a doctor's appointment this afternoon." _No such luck._

"Oh yeah, I can take her." Erin offered without turning around. As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she realized she had no idea who the doctor was or where the doctor was located.

"No, I got it." He leaned against the kitchen counter so that he was in her line of sight, his hand resting only inches from her own. "I was just hoping you could pick up dinner, I'm not sure what time we will get back and I don't know if I will have time to cook anything tonight."

"Oh." She couldn't decided if she was relieved or disappointed. She loved spending time with Sophie, and taking her daughter to the doctor was part of her job as a mother. But at the same time, she was happy not to have to ask Jay where the doctor was located. She usually tried to save all of her logistical questions for Hank, not wanting to embarrass herself in front of Jay. But she doubted that Hank would know about her pediatrician. "Yeah, that's fine. Chinese?"

"Sounds good!" Jay leaned in like he was going to kiss her, and at the last minute pulled away. In the past two weeks some of the 'differences' between _this_ version of Erin and _his_ version of Erin were seeming to fade, and sometimes he forgot all together. He sometimes forgot that he couldn't just lean over and kiss her quickly on the lips.

He _really_ missed that - those quick, but meaningful kisses shared by husband and wife. The kisses you don't have to dwell on because you're secure in the knowledge that there will be plenty of time for more passionate kisses, He walked out of the kitchen quickly, avoiding Erin's gaze. He wasn't sure what her reaction would be to that near miss situation, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

000000000

"Mommy, I had to have a shot." By the time Sophie and Jay got home from the doctor, Erin was already at the house waiting for them. She opened the door and Sophie instantly leaned into her mother's arms, looking for comfort after a seemingly trying day.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry." She hugged her daughter, kissing her on forehead and letting her lips rest there.

He loved hearing Erin say the word 'baby'. Even if it wasn't directed at him.

She knew she should feel bad for her daughter that she had to have a shot, but she was so grateful it led to this moment. Her new favorite thing was holding her daughter close, hugging her tight, inhaling her scent. Sophie, being a rambunctious and energetic two year old, had only been letting Erin really hug her at bed time and it just wasn't enough. She had two years of holding her daughter to catch up on. "You know what I think will make it better though?" She said, now resting her own forehead against her daughters, whispered quietly like she was telling her a secret.

"What?" Sophie had stopped crying at the doctor's office, but she still was not in a smiling mood. Even if she did get a Little Mermaid sticker.

"Chocolate ice cream for dessert!" Erin smiled down at her daughter.

At the word ice cream, Sophie's eyes immediately lit up and she smiled back, her dimples mirroring Erin's own. "YES!"

Erin carried Sophie into the kitchen, and the three of them ate their Chinese food followed by chocolate ice cream. This night, it was Jay that cleaned the kitchen while Erin went to play with Sophie in the living room. They had been working on a puzzle the night before, and they planned to finish it together tonight.

Jay came in and watched as his daughter excitedly placed the last piece in the puzzle. She was so proud of herself, and she leapt into her mothers arms to hug her, although this time the hug was brief. This was her largest puzzle to date, a 50 piece princess puzzle. The box had said "3 and up!", but Erin was convinced her little genius would finish it, no problem.

"Great job, Soph!" Jay said, walking over to join his girls. "You know what I think?" He had never expected to be on of _those_ parents - the ones that think their children are smarter and better than every other child - but he definitely was. "We should glue the puzzle together and frame it! We could put it in your room!" It would fit perfectly with the rest of the princess theme she had going.

"Yeah!" She shouted, now flinging herself from Erin to him, jumping into his arms. "Can we do it now, Daddy? Can we? Can we?"

He laughed, keeping her secure in his arms. He didn't get his long hug yet today. "Tomorrow, sweetheart. Right now, it's time for bed."

00000000000000000000

"That was a great idea," Erin said as they walked down the steps an hour later. "To frame the puzzle, I mean." She had been surprised when he had thought of it, it had warmed her heart. Jay really was the most amazing father.

"Yeah, well, it is 50 pieces." He exaggerated the words _50 pieces,_ saying the words sarcastically, even though Erin knew he was secretly very impressed and proud of his daughter.

"Shut up," she rolled her eyes at him, and shoved his shoulder lightly as they reached the bottom of the stairs.

He shoved her back, which she hadn't been expecting. She startled at his touch on her shoulder and she bumped into the wall at the bottom of the stairs, both of them laughing. Her back leaned against the wall and Jay's body was in front of her. Suddenly, they both noticed that their bodies were nearly touching and the laughter died on their lips.

Before he could change his mind, he leaned down and kissed her. She parted her lips immediately, and his mouth took easy possession of hers. She was stunned, completely surprised. The last month she had wanted to kiss him so badly, but he seemed disinterested.

She kissed him back deeply, passionately, just in case this was her only chance to do so. She savored in the moment, the kiss, the slow, sultry rise of heat. She longed to touch him, slide her fingers over his muscular arms, his broad shoulders, his strong chest. But she kept her hands still at her sides, afraid to move them, afraid to scare him away. She had wanted this for so long.

His hands slid down, found her waist, the kiss softened as his body melted into hers. He drew her just a little closer, and the sound he heard, a soft, low grown in her throat, sent a chill through the length of his body.

He pulled his lips away, his body still pressed into hers against the wall. Then, he leaned in and gave her a quick kiss. The quick peck he had wanted to give her earlier in the kitchen. The ones shared by husbands and wives.

Erin had never been married, not that she remembered. So to her, that quick kiss signaled that it was time for her to leave, that the moment had come to an end. "I should get going," her voice came out a lot huskier than she had intended.

He seemed surprised, but he moved aside so she could get her coat. She took it off the hook, and slipped it on, putting on her scarf and zipping the coat more slowly than usual - waiting for him to ask her to stay. But instead, he said nothing. "See you tomorrow?" She wasn't sure why she had phrased that as a question. She always came in the morning. With his medium coffee. It was their thing.

"Yep." He said, holding the door open for her. "See you tomorrow."

00000000000000000000000

Jay had spent all night awake - his body restless - thinking about his kiss with Erin. It had meant everything to him. It had been a mix of new and familiar, just like Erin. He was beginning to forget about _this_ version and _that_ version, and just think of Erin as Erin. It made him feel more content and happy than he had been in a long time.

But by the time 4 am had rolled around, he had become nervous. What if she didn't feel the same way? He had kissed her, and while she had definitely kissed him back, she had also left immediately after. He had no idea how she felt about it... or about him. He was still essentially a stranger, she had known him a little over a month.

By the time 6 am came, he had convinced himself that his relationship with Erin was new and fragile, and more importantly, her relationship with Sophie was new and fragile. And that was the one that mattered. It was the most important, and it was the one they needed to focus on right now.

He was almost finished getting dressed when her heard Erin let herself in downstairs. She was probably standing their with another cup of that damn store bought coffee. _If she had slept over last night, we could have had coffee here,_ he thought bitterly.

Jay walked downstairs to greet her, leaving Sophie asleep in her room for a few more minutes. He wanted to get this out of the way before work. "Hey, Erin." He said as he reached the kitchen. He picked up the cup of coffee and took a long sip, steadying himself and preparing what he was about to say. "Thanks." He nodded towards the coffee cup when he put it down, acknowledging his appreciation. He was functioning on no sleep, and store bought or not, he really did appreciate it.

"No problem," she shifted nervously in her seat at the breakfast nook, "I was hoping we could talk about last night."

"Me too." He spoke quickly, not letting her get a word in. "I think we need to set some boundaries." He had planned the words out in his head, but they felt foreign coming out of his mouth. How was he saying this to his wife? "You and Sophie... it's all kind of new, and I don't want anything between us to mess that up." He had planned more, but he lost his words at the hurt look on her face.

She stood up abruptly, knocking over a chair. She didn't even notice the loud noise it made when it crashed against the tiled floor. "Boundaries?" Her voice was steady and stern, but had a hint of bewilderment. "You want boundaries?" She took one step closer, her voice two steps louder. Suddenly, as if she noticed the chair on the ground and the level of her voice, she retreated. "Fine. That's fine." She quickly turned and ran out of the room, up the stairs. She wanted to see her daughter. The one in the house that loved her back.

"Good morning, monkey!" She tried to keep her voice steady, but it was shaking. _Boundaries_. She knew last night had been too good to be true. They had been spending all their time together for weeks, and she had been slowly falling in love with him, but he wanted nothing to do with it. At first he had high expectations that her memory would return, and now he seemed to have given up. And he didn't want this version of her, the one that didn't remember their life together.

She wanted her memory to come back too, but she loved him just the same. This version of her... she loved Jay. She loved Sophie. She loved her life. Why did it seem like it was so close, yet so far away?

She needed a night off. A night away from the frustration, the expectations, the sexual tension, the disappointment... all of it. After getting Sophie dressed, she brought her downstairs for breakfast and spoke to her, loudly enough so Jay would definitely hear, and said, "Mommy is going to go out with Auntie Kim tonight, okay Soph?" She kissed her daughter as her daughter nodded. "So by the time I get home, you will be asleep and I will just see you tomorrow morning."

Jay watched Erin, her eyes clearly avoiding his gaze. He got the message loud and clear. She wouldn't be back tonight.

000000000000

"Trust me, Erin. That boy loves you." Kim said reassuringly. They were at Molly's, secluded at a table in the corner.

In the past few weeks, Kim had become Erin's confidante and closest friend. She didn't have any expectations of Erin, and seemed content starting their friendship from scratch... something no one else seemed willing to try, including Jay.

"Kim, he doesn't though." Erin whined into her scotch. "He loved the old me. And..." her voice trailed off, as she searched for the words to convey everything, trying to make sense of the situation. "It's like he has a weak moment and he kisses me, hoping he will be kissing his wife. Or he momentarily forgets. And then as soon as the moment comes, it's gone and he realizes I'm not her, and he puts his walls up again." She gulped down the rest of her drink, trying to push the tears back that were threatening to fall. "I know I don't remember everything about our life together, but I still just..." her efforts were futile, and a tear fell slowly, trailing a line down her cheek. "I want to be with him. I think I love him."

Kim looked at her friend. She listened to her words and she watched the tears fall, and it occurred to her that she had never seen her friend this broken. Which in all the years they had known each other, and all Erin had been through, that was saying... a lot. "Erin, you need to tell him that," she reached out to cover her friends hand in her own. "Tell him all of that, exactly like that. Give him a chance to understand."

 **Hope you enjoyed this chapter :) please review!**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13,

Erin spent the night awake mulling over Kim's words. A little after 2 am, she realized Kim had been right. She and Jay spent so many hours of the day together, between work and taking care of Sophie, but they never really _talked_. They never voiced their feelings out loud. They never let the other one know what they were thinking, and instead they were both left guessing. Even the other night when Jay had mentioned the word 'boundaries', Erin had escaped up the stairs and avoided him after. She hadn't probed, she hadn't given him a chance to explain.

She tossed and turned most of the night, but still she woke feeling refreshed and energized, now ready and eager to talk to Jay. She showered and dressed quickly, greeting Hank in the kitchen on her way out. "See you at work," Hank called after her, not bothering to look up from the paper.

While Erin stood in line at the coffee shop, she felt her phone vibrating in her jeans pocket. Surprised to be receiving a call this early in the morning, she looked down at her phone and saw it was Jay calling. As she went to slide her finger across the iPhone screen to accept the call, it occurred to her that Jay rarely actually called her. Instead, he would opt for shooting her a quick text or waiting until they were together, which they were most of the day. She realized all of this because she was momentarily shocked by the photo that popped up signaling it was him, it must have been from their wedding. She didn't allow herself time to dwell on it, and instead answered in a hurry, recognizing it must be something important. "Hi, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine." She was not convinced, he sounded exhausted and distracted. "Sophie was up most of the night and she just threw up her breakfast. She doesn't seem to have a fever, but I'm going to take her to the doctor anyway."

"Oh my god, is she okay?" This was the first time Sophie had ever been sick. That she knew of, she reminded herself. "Do you want me to meet you there?" She still didn't know where the pediatrician's office was.

"No, no, it's okay." No sense in both of them missing work. "We are just about to leave to go see the doctor so I just called to let you know not to come to the house this morning. And can you let Hank know I'm taking a sick day?"

"Uh, sure." Again, she found herself in that uncomfortable situation of wanting to be included but not wanting to invite herself along. "Can I come by after work to check on her?" She felt dumb asking. Of course she could come by after work. It was also _her_ daughter. It was also _her_ house.

"Yeah, of course." He regretted his words immediately upon hearing the uneasiness in her voice. Maybe he should have told her to come. He hadn't mean to exclude her, he just hadn't thought much about it. Only one of them usually stayed home if Sophie wasn't feeling well because they had never wanted to leave the team down two detectives. It didn't happen often, but it had happened enough in Sophie's two years that they had developed a system. "There is just no reason for both of us to miss work, and I'm already here."

He hadn't known, but that was the wrong thing to say. Tears formed behind Erin's eyes. _God_ , she thought, _since when am I so damn emotional._

Jay was going to the doctor and Erin was going to work. Because Jay was _already there._ Erin wasn't there, because Erin didn't live there. She didn't live with her daughter or her husband. She lived with Hank. "Okay." She said quietly, "I'll see you later." She hung up the phone without another word, and then left the coffee shop with only a single cup in her hand.

00000000000

When she got to work, she immediately whisked Kim into the break room to unload all of the details of her thoughts all night and her conversation with Jay this morning. On her drive over to the precinct, she had decided it would be best to hold off on the conversation with Jay, but she wanted confirmation from her best friend first.

"I think that's a good idea. Just put off the conversation until Soph is feeling better," Kim agreed. "There's no rush, right?"

"Right." Erin smiled, relieved to have Kim agree with her.

"There is one matter that is a little more time sensitive." Kim had been waiting to broach the subject for a few days now, almost bringing it up several times but losing her nerve. She meant to ask Erin last night, but she hadn't gotten an opening.

"What is it?" Erin looked at her friend, concern washing over her face. Kim was shifting uncomfortably in the chair in the kitchen, which seemed unlike her. Kim was bold and confident, and she certainly didn't scare easily at work, even as the most junior member of the team.

"So I know you know this, but uh... Adam and I... we're engaged." Whenever Kim was around Erin, she subtly tried to hide the diamond ring that rested on her left ring finger. Erin was always playing with the empty spot on her ring finger, and hadn't donned her rings since the accident. Kim wasn't sure why, and she had tried to avoid flaunting her shiny square cut diamond.

"Yeah?" Erin had long since picked up on Kim's not so subtle hiding of her ring finger, but she hadn't said anything. Hank had informed Erin while she was still in the hospital that Jay had removed Erin's rings for safe keeping during her surgery, and she hadn't asked Jay about them since. But her discontentment with that situation had nothing to do with her happiness for Kim. She and Adam seemed great together, and she wished Kim didn't feel the need to hide her happiness.

"Our wedding is next month, and I was hoping you would be my maid of honor." Kim asked sheepishly. "You can say no if it's too much." She added quickly after a second.

Erin ignored Kim's last rushed sentence, and instead jumped out of chair and lifted Kim into a hug. "I would love to!" She said excitedly.

"You're sure?" Kim said, disbelieving. For some reason she hadn't thought Erin would want to participate in the wedding. They're friendship was in it's infancy... at least to Erin. And that wasn't even taking into consideration the fact that focusing on someone else's marriage when yours was not going well couldn't have been pleasant.

Erin smiled at her. She loved Kim for being concerned. From the first day Erin met Kim, Kim had promised her a no strings attached, no pressure, no expectations friendship, and she knew Kim was worried about the implications of her question. But Kim was Erin's closest friend, and she was thrilled! "Yes! Of course I'm sure." She sat back down, eager to hear details of Kim's wedding and began asking her questions. "Oh wait." She said, tucking her hair behind her ear. "I have nothing to wear! We have to go shopping!"

Kim laughed at her friend. "Well, the dress you picked out 6 months ago is hanging in my closet, right next to Sophie's flower girl dress. We can shop for a new one if you want, but the one you picked is absolutely stunning." As the words left Kim's mouth, she realized it may not have been the right thing to say. She hadn't previously mentioned Sophie being a flower girl, and she certainly didn't want to remind Erin of more things she didn't remember.

It didn't bother Erin, though. In fact, she was pleasantly surprised - happy even - when the idea of wearing a dress she had picked out months ago didn't seem to bother her. And she couldn't wait to see her little girl walk down the aisle in a flower girl dress.

She was so grateful for her relationship with Kim - it felt so _normal_. "Let's hope I still fit into it." Erin joked, putting her arm around her friend.

000000000000

During her lunch break, Erin finally worked up the nerve to call Jay. Again, she avoided staring too closely at the photo that popped up when the call connected on her iPhone.

"Hey Erin," Jay's voice came over the phone, and he sounded even more exhausted than he had this morning. "What's up?" His voice had a little bit of an edge to it, like he was irritated that she was calling.

"Oh nothing," _Does something need to be up for me to call my husband_? She thought bitterly. "I just had a minute, and I wanted to see how Sophie is doing." She knew he had wanted to set boundaries, but her daughter was sick and she was worried.

"She threw up at the pediatrician's office and twice more at home, but she is sleeping now." He had heard the irritation coming from his voice, and he tried to soften it. "I was just trying to get some rest myself," he said, by way of explanation for his behavior.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," she replied quickly. Now she felt bad. "Get some rest, I'll see you both later."

He could tell she was embarrassed by her call. He hadn't meant to make her feel uncomfortable. God, he hated how sensitive she was around him. He was her _husband_ , she didn't have to apologize profusely for calling him and waking him up. She hadn't apologized this sincerely when she sent him to get her food at 3 am when she was pregnant! Now _that_ was waking him up. "Thanks, Er." He hoped using her nickname would make her realize it was not a big deal. "Goodnight." He hung up and closed his eyes, burying his face in the blanket. The exhaustion took over and he fell right back to sleep.

He woke up several hours later to a text message from Erin.

"I was thinking you should take a break and go out for a beer or something tonight. I'm sure it's been a long day." He read the message three times, trying to figure out what to make of it. He was going back and forth.

The message could mean 'I'm being a super thoughtful wife, when I spoke to you you sounded exhausted, go have a beer and relax with friends. I can take care of our daughter, no problem.'

Or, the message could be saying, 'You were an ass hole and said you wanted to set boundaries, then you didn't ask me to come with you to the doctor, then you were a jerk on the phone, and I would rather spend time with my daughter alone.'

He was guessing it was the second one.

00000000000

In truth, Erin had offered Jay the night off for neither of those reasons, instead she had two of her own. The first one - because that is how Hank and Camille did things when she was growing up. She had been old enough to stay home alone when she was sick, but after her car accident when she had been home recuperating, Hank and Camille took turns staying home with her. Erin, who had been avoiding taking any pain medications other than Advil and Tylenol for fear of becoming addicted, was a lot to handle during the day... to say the least. If Camille spent the day with her, the minute Hank got home from work, he would send her out with the girls to give her some time away. Camille had always protested, saying Hank had worked all day and he deserved to relax too. But Hank would insist, saying that at least his work had gotten him out of the house. And the second reason - after her conversation with Kim, she thought it would be best to avoid a serious conversation that might be interrupted at any moment by a vomiting two year old.

With permission from Hank, she left work early and went straight to the grocery store. She and Jay had been eating a lot of take out, and she thought it might be nice for him to have a home cooked meal. She made lasagna and tomato soup, which along with being comfort food was also Jay's favorite meal, according to Hank.

She placed tin foil on top of the lasagna, but the soup was too hot to place in the plastic storage containers Hank had at the house. She had tried to allow it to cool, but after 30 minutes it was still hot enough to melt the plastic, so instead she opted to bring the entire pot. She taped the lip on top, and with a little maneuvering, she strapped it into the front seat of her car, as if it was a passenger.

She arrived a little before 7, almost an hour later than their usual dinner time. The soup pot had held her up, plus she had driven slowly, concerned about the soup spilling if she had to break too quickly.

She was greeted at the door by Jay, who was dressed in dark jeans and a white v-neck t-shirt and was sliding on his leather jacket. He stopped, his jacket only half on, and he stared at Erin, who was balancing a large soup pot against one side of her body and what looked like a lasagna in the other. "You made dinner?" He was surprised, not to mention confused. Hadn't she told him to make plans?

"Yeah," she said, pushing past him into the kitchen where she turned the oven on to preheat and rested the soup pot on top of the stove. "I figured we could still eat with Sophie before you head out." She tried to keep her voice casual, she had noticed he was already getting ready to leave when she walked in. "But if you made dinner plans, Sophie and I can eat and you can eat the leftovers tomorrow." She hoped the disappointment wasn't evident in her voice. She had made his favorite food, after all.

"Sophie is asleep." _And I ate already, because it's 7:00._ "I'm hoping she is down for the night." He turned to put his coat back on the hook. "I'd be happy to sit with you and keep you company while you eat. I can just text Antonio and let him know I will be a little late."

"No, no. That's okay." She turned the stove on to heat the soup, knowing it wouldn't need long to reheat. "Have fun. Tell Antonio I say hi." She had heard of Antonio when she was a patrol officer, and she had seen him and his wife Sylvie several times in the recent weeks. She liked them. And she knew he and Jay were close from the years they worked together in Intelligence before Antonio left to work for the district attorney's office.

He knew that she was busying herself in the kitchen to avoid looking at him. Things had been tense since the other night, and they hadn't really been alone since she had run out. "Okay, I will." He said, turning and walking back into the hallway to put on his coat for a second time. Part of him wanted to stay and sit with her, hear about her day and just _talk_. But he didn't think she would want that - she had planned for dinner with Jay and Sophie, not just Jay. "See you later," he said, and he walked out of the house, closing the door gently behind him.

Erin made herself a plate in the kitchen and brought it into the living room to eat in front of the TV. She grabbed herself a beer, hoping it would calm her. She felt unsettled being in the house alone. Sophie was there - but she was sleeping and that didn't really count.

She finished her meal in front of the game, and then returned to the kitchen to clear her plate and put the leftovers in the fridge. She pulled a second beer out of the fridge, and took a long sip. She let the alcohol flowing through her veins give her the courage to do what she had wanted to do since she walked in over an hour ago.

She slowly walked up the stairs, feeling even more unsettled then before. She saw the closed door - the one she knew was Jay's bedroom. She lifted her hand and touched the doorknob, but instead of turning it, she retreated a half a step back.

 _Let me just check on Sophie first,_ she thought. She walked over to Sophie's room - her favorite room in the house, the one she had been in almost every day since she woke up in the hospital. She tiptoed inside, trying her best to stay quiet. She looked down at her daughter, sleeping peacefully. Her blonde curls were cascading down the pillow, and her hands were wrapped around her favorite stuffed bear. She had completely kicked off the pink comforter, and it laid crumpled at the foot of the bed. She took the blanket and straightened it out, tucking it comfortably around her sleeping daughter. She leaned down and kissed her daughter lightly on the forehead, and was relieved that Sophie didn't feel warm. She touched her fingers gingerly to Sophie's cheek, and allowed her sleeping daughter to give her the courage to visit the room next door.

She turned and walked out of Sophie's room, closing the door quietly. Without allowing herself time to give it a second thought, she turned the knob to Jay's bedroom and walked in. She found the light switch on the wall and flipped on the light.

Her breath caught in her throat. Her heart beat quickened as a multitude of memories washed over her.

 _Sitting by Camille's bedside, tearfully saying her goodbyes to the only mother she ever knew._

 _Hugging Justin and holding hands with Hank at the cemetery._

 _Visiting Hank at Statesville prison._

 _Joining Hank's unit._

 _Meeting Jay Halstead for the first time._

 _Julia being killed, telling Julia's husband._

 _Justin getting out of jail._

 _"I don't think it's so much I'm a cop, as much as Justin thinks I'm your boyfriend."_

 _"You wish."_

 _"No, you wish."_

 _..._

 _Her mother coming back into her life._

 _Her mother's wedding._

...

 _"You're my family."_

 _"You're about the best thing that ever happened to me. And I mean that."_

 _..._

 _Finding Teddy._

 _..._

 _"You know, it's not like it's the last time I'm gonna put on a vest."_

 _"No, it's just the last time I'm gonna help you get it on right."_

 _..._

 _"You know, we no longer work together. So a lot of the old rules don't apply."_

 _..._

 _"Hank, put the gun down it's me."_

 _"You lose your key?"_

 _"It's been a rough day. I didn't want to get shot, too. Is it too late to get my spot back in Intelligence."_

 _"Welcome back."_

" _I'm all yours."_

 _"Hey come here."_

 _"Thank you."_

 _"You kidding? You see the faces I gotta look at every morning?"_

 _..._

 _Wisconsin._

 _Hank finding out about her and Jay._

 _..._

 _"So we'll cool it. But we'll always have each other's back."_

 _..._

 _"Just because I don't want to lose my job doesn't mean I don't care about you."_

 _"Me too."_

 _..._

 _Nadia moving in with her. Nadia being kidnapped._

 _Nadia being killed._

 _Her mother. Landon. The drugs._

 _Jay being kidnapped._

 _Moving in with Hank. Getting clean._

 _..._

 _"That was for never giving up on me."_

 _"What was that for?"_

 _"That was because I wanted to kiss you."_

 _..._

 _Justin's death._

 _Hank falling apart._

 _Moving the body._

 _..._

 _"Cases come and go. Bosses come and go. I don't want you to come and go."_

 _..._

 _"You saved my life. I would've been dead at 15 if you hadn't taken me in. There's no doubt in my mind about that. And I've always looked forward to savings yours."_

 _"You're all I have left now."_

 _..._

 _"Jay, I'm completely in love with you."_

 _..._

 _"By the way. I love you, too."_

...

And then the last memory that came, one from almost four years before...

" _Jay, where are we going?" Erin asked for the tenth time in the past five minutes. Jay had shoved Erin into the car after a lazy Saturday breakfast in their apartment, telling her he had a surprise for her. He had even insisted on driving._

 _"Here." He said, finally. He pulled over to the curb and put the car in park. "We're here."_

 _Erin looked at the brick house with a wrap-around porch, large windows, and a deep green door. It was two stories, and had a beautiful, large front and side yard. "Wh-what are we doing here?" She stuttered, surprised at the unsteadiness in her voice. She and Jay had been living together for a year now, and he had never mentioned wanting to move. And certainly, not to a house. Could they even afford a house?_

 _He got out of the car and quickly walked over to her side of the car, opening it and guiding her down the walkway to the front of the house. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon in May, and the yard was green and perfectly cut. "Come inside and see."_

 _They walked up to the front door, and Jay punched in the code to the lockbox that was hanging from the door knob. He retrieved the key, and began to slowly unlock the door. He tried to hide the fact that his hands were shaking. "The kitchen would need to be redone," he said, as he walked through the foyer and down the hallway to the kitchen. "But just wait until you see the rest of the house. It's perfect." He shoved his hands in his pockets, they were still shaking uncontrollably._

 _They walked into the living room and she stared in awe at the large fire place and the beautiful wooden mantel above it. The room was large and the crown moldings made it feel fancy and homey at the same time. "Jay, it's beautiful," she said, a little breathlessly. "But can we afford this?"_

 _He took her hand in his, feeling a little more steady, "When my mom died, she left me some money. This is what she wanted me to spend it on." He smiled at the thought of his mother. She would have loved this house. And she would have_ loved _Erin. "Come on, let's look upstairs."_

 _As he led her up the stairs, he could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest._ Relax _, he thought, trying and failing to calm himself._

 _He showed her the three bedrooms and the bathroom, and then led her to the final door. "This is the master bedroom," he said, by way of introduction._

 _She gasped as he opened the door. The room was covered in hundreds of colorful daisies and white candles lined a walkway to the center of the room._

 _Jay grabbed Erin's hand and walked with her to the center of the room, his heart beat hadn't slowed. Releasing her hands, he reached into his pocket and removed a red velvet box. He bent down to one knee and opened it, to reveal a two carat brilliant round diamond with small diamonds lining a platinum band. It had been his mother's. "Erin Lindsay," he began._

 _Tears streamed down her face as she listened to the love of her life deliver the most precious words she had ever heard. "I think I fell in love with you the first time I laid eyes on you. And since then, we've been through it all. You and me. The better and the worse, we've stood together, stronger than either one of us could ever be alone. I have loved you through all of it. And I want to spend the rest of my life loving you."_

 _He looked up into the hazel eyes of his beautiful girl, and smiled as he saw tears streaming down her face. A tear of his own fell as he continued, "You make me happier than I ever thought possible, and if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Will you marry me?"_

 _"Yes," she cried, her voice steady through her tears. "Yes! Of course I will."_

 _He stood and wrapped her in his arms, and they shared the first of many kisses in their new home._

xo

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter :) Please review!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks for all of your reviews everyone! It literally made my day :)**

 **Happy Holidays!**

Chapter 14,

Erin stood in the doorway unable to move. At first she was unable to breath as she stared into the room. Then as she recognized the painting on the wall, the one Camille had bought her to hang in her old apartment, she began hyperventilating. Her mind had been overloaded, and her body felt heavy, as if the memories were a physical burden. It was as if the memories were being unloaded like books stacking on her head and shoulders. It took her several minutes to steady herself and for her breathing to become more regular.

Even as her breathing calmed, she held onto the wall for support. She was sure if she let go, her feet would give out and her body would collapse on to the beige carpet that lined the floor.

Still unable to move her legs, she pulled her cell phone out from her back pocket. She dialed the third number in the favorites section of her iPhone, the name that came after Jay and Hank. She rested the phone against her ear, and the warmth of her phone touching her face grounding her, reminding her that this was real. She wasn't dreaming. She remembered every minute of her life, up until the day Jay proposed. The last thing she could recall was her quick answer, her ample tears, and the overwhelming feeling of joy and love that had come over her.

She was overwhelmed now, too. Overwhelmed with happiness, or fear, or relief, or love - she didn't know which one. Maybe all.

Finally she heard a voice greet her on the other end of the phone. "Kim, I need you. Can you come over?"

"I'll be right there." Kim responded, quickly hanging up the phone. Erin glanced at the time, it was 8:45 pm. Kim was probably home enjoying a quiet evening with Ruzek. She knew she should feel guilty... but she didn't. On that first day back at work, Kim had promised she was only a phone call away. Even then, Erin knew that she had meant it. But she hadn't guessed she would actually take her up on her generous offer.

Twenty minutes later, she heard a frantic knock at the door. It was only then that she realized she had been standing in the same place, frozen in the doorway, losing time. A second knock finally forced her to move, and she quickly turned off the light and closed the door to Jay's bedroom. _Our bedroom,_ she corrected as she walked slowly down the stairs to greet Kim.

She opened the front door to the house, and immediately ushered Kim in and thanked her for coming. "Of course I came. Now are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

At that moment, Erin noticed that Kim was wearing pajama pants and Ugg boots. She had meant it literally when she said she would _be right there_. The sight of Kim standing in a winter coat and pajamas gave Erin the urge to hug her.

Kim held her tight, and waited for Erin to speak.

The warmth of her friend, both emotionally and physically, gave Erin courage. "Jay went out with Antonio, and I kind of took the opportunity to sneak around a little." As she spoke the words, she found herself feeling embarrassed. She wanted to tell her friend she had recovered years of memories, but she knew she needed to give her some background. If she didn't offer it, Kim would pepper her with questions until she got everything out of her anyway. "I went to peek into his bedroom and-"

"Wait." Kim, who had planned to stand quietly in the kitchen and listen to her friend without interruption, couldn't help when the word shot out of her mouth. "It's your bedroom, too. All this time and you haven't been in there?" She paused for a second, momentarily dumbfounded. "How did you get your clothes?"

That would be her question. "Jay packed a few bags for me. He did it before I even had the chance to think about clothes. And I kind of took it as a sign he didn't want me in there." At this admission, she shifted uncomfortably, feeling even more embarrassed. "I don't know," she added, because she honestly didn't know what his intention was. Maybe he was just trying to be helpful.

Kim didn't answer, and instead signaled for Erin to continue with her original story and to pardon the interruption. "Anyway," she sighed heavily, finally ready to unload her news. "I walked in to the room and all of a sudden, everything started flooding back to me. I can't even explain it. One second I am standing there with no knowledge of the last ten years of my life, and the next second I remember every minor detail. Up until the day Jay proposed, and then it stopped."

Kim touched Erin's shoulder in a gesture of comfort, understanding immediately. "Because he proposed in that room."

Erin nodded, she knew Kim would understand.

Kim thought for a moment and then spoke. "Maybe it was seeing the room for the first time," Kim guessed, moving to sit down on a barstool. "Walking in with all of that anticipation... that is probably how you felt four years ago when you first walked through that door."

Erin hadn't considered that. "That makes sense." She said after a few beats of silence. She stood across Kim, leaning against the kitchen island, not ready to sit down.

"So, what now?" Kim asked. She wanted to suggest Erin tell Jay, but she didn't want to overstep.

"Well, that's why I asked you to come over." Erin smiled for the first time since she opened the door into her past. "I was hoping you could watch Sophie for me."

00000000000000

Jay sat on a stool at Molly's nursing his scotch. He was already two drinks in, and he knew he needed to slow down if he was going to be able to drive home in an hour or two. It just felt good to be out of the house, to be out of his normal routine - a routine that felt anything but normal lately.

"So, are we done talking about the cubs?" Antonio was seated across from him. He wasn't driving, so he was on drink number four. "Because I think it's time for you to tell me what we're really doing here."

"What do you mean?" He answered, even though he knew exactly what Antonio meant. When Antonio raised his eyebrows at Jay and gestured for him to continue, Jay stayed silent, still not ready to start talking.

"Come on, Jay." Antonio finally broke the silence, placing his drink down and smacking the table for emphasis. "You and Erin. I know I'm not in Intelligence anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't hear things. How are things going?"

"What have you heard?" Jay responded, still avoiding his question.

"Nothing." Antonio chastised himself, he shouldn't have given Jay the opening. "I'm just concerned for a friend. Come on, spill." He chuckled at his word choice and smiled to himself. _Come on, spill_ was something his wife commonly said to him when he was having a bad day and needed to unload on her. He was so lucky he found Sylvie.

"It's just..." Jay searched for the right words, before he continued. Something he was doing a lot lately. "I love Erin, I always have. She is the love of my life. I fought for a chance with her, and it was the most worthwhile thing I've ever done in my life. We went through so much in those first years, between Hank, Bunny, Nadia, her dad coming back into her life - we went through more than most couples do in a lifetime. Then I asked her to marry me - which was another one of the best decisions I have ever made. Then we got pregnant, and when Erin called me to tell me she was bleeding and Sophie came early... that was the scariest day of my life."

"I know."

"And then after weeks at the hospital, we brought home our beautiful baby. We built a life together, we have a history."

"I know."

"But ever since Erin has gotten home from the hospital-"

"It can't be easy for you. And you can't be so hard on yourself. It's natural for you to feel differently about her - she's different." Antonio couldn't imagine how difficult this was for his friend, but he hoped that his words would give him some comfort.

"But that's just it, Antonio." He gulped down his drink. _So much for taking it slow tonight._ "I love Erin. That version, this version. Every version of her. And I don't care if she never gets another memory. I just want to be with her again." He smiled wistfully, looking away from Antonio. He was surprised by how easily the words flowed out of him, he hadn't realized how much he needed to say all of that.

Antonio watched his friend. He was smiling, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. He looked sad. "I don't think I understand the problem."

Jay could feel the alcohol reaching his head, and it felt heavy and light at the same time. "The problem is that I'm not sure Erin feels the same way," he sighed, feeling surprisingly relieved as he finally released the thoughts that had been plaguing his mind for weeks. He was in love with Erin, plain and simple. But he couldn't be sure that she felt the same way. "All that stuff I was talking about earlier - everything Erin and I went through in the early years - if Nadia hadn't died..." his voice faltered at the mention of Nadia's name. Thinking of Nadia had always been extremely difficult for him. Her life was stopped short, in a brutal and tragic way. and he and Erin missed Nadia deeply. But if not for Nadia, if not for Erin going off the rails, he and Erin may never have happened. Hank would have never given them permission to be together, she never would have let him in and allowed him to support her in her grief. So, he never knew how to feel when he thought about Nadia. Because feeling grateful felt wrong, but he could never find another, more suitable word.

"If Nadia hadn't died, you would still be together." Antonio finished his friends train of thought, secure that Jay and Erin would be together, without a shadow of a doubt.

"Sure, maybe. But when that happened... Erin really let me in. And even more so after Justin." Jay remembered how close they had grown during those days when Erin had distanced herself from Hank, before she and Hank had resolved everything. "I just mean that even if Erin is attracted to me and she likes flirting with me at work, even if she wants to date me..." He exaggerated the word _date_ , even as he realized how absurd the idea was. "In Erin's mind, I'm new. I'm a stranger. I'm a guy she met a little over a month ago, that she could probably just take or leave." His shoulders slumped, and he looked down at his empty glass, wishing it wasn't empty.

"That's not true, man." This time Antonio felt less secure in his statement. Jay's logic made a lot of sense. He had worked at intelligence then, he remembered how much Erin had leaned on Jay during those hard times. It had given then an impenetrable bond.

Jay sighed heavily, rolling his empty glass around in his hands. "And after the new and exciting wears off, if she does decide she wants to 'break up' with me," He gestured his hands as he spoke the ridiculous words, "I'll have to be okay with it. Because to her I'm just some guy."

"Some guy she has a daughter with," Antonio corrected.

"Yeah, and sometimes I think that makes it worse. We will be in each other's lives forever because of Sophie. And if I have to watch her date other guys, or even marry someone else..." The idea shook him to his core, and he felt tears coming to his eyes. _Jesus, I need another drink._ As if understanding his thoughts, Antonio silently slid the remainder of his drink to Jay's side of the table. Jay took a long sip of the drink, sitting silently for several moments before he whispered, "I know this is terrible, and I recognize that I am the worst person for saying this. But if that happened... if she started... if she married... I just..." He lost his breath, not able to find the words. He finished the drink in one large gulp. "Then, it might have been easier if she had just died." He regretted the words the minute they left his mouth. He hadn't actually meant it literally, but hearing the words out loud, he realized how deeply he didn't meant. He was so grateful Erin was alive and well.

He heard her before he saw her. He heard her sharp intake of breath. Even without words he recognized her sounds. He looked up and saw Antonio looking past him, his eyes wide and full of fear.

He hoped he was imagining her sound, her scent. He couldn't turn around. He couldn't face her. He hoped she hadn't heard his awful words. The words he hadn't meant.

When he did turn, he knew right away she had heard them. She looked so broken, so unbelievably hurt. Tears streamed down her beautiful face, her arms were wrapped tightly around her waste, as if she was hugging herself.

He stood from the stool, immediately reaching for her. She stepped back and avoided his touch, but her tearful, hazel eyes stayed glued on his. "So I guess when you said we had been through better or worse, when you said you loved me through all of it, when you asked me to spend the rest of my life with you... I guess you were full of shit?" Her voiced was dripping with disdain, and when she finally finished her speech she broke eye contact and ran out of the door.

He stood and watched her leave, stunned at her words. After a few moments he ran after her, finally catching up to her when she reached her car. He was out of breath, and not just from chasing her out of Molly's. "You remember the day I proposed to you?" His voice was unsteady and soft, his eyes were brimming with tears. He wanted to reach out and touch her face, but the look on her face stopped him. Before she had looked hurt, but now she looked angry.

"God. That's all you care about it, isn't it? Me recovering my memories so you can have your wife back. You don't care that I've been here, I've been here fighting for you, fighting for us this whole time. Well, screw you, Jay. Screw you."

xxx

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	15. Chapter 15

**Hi everyone! Hope you had a wonderful holiday. Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up, I hope you enjoy it :)**

Chapter 15,

Jay stood on the sidewalk outside of Molly's, watching Erin's car drive away. His whole body was shaking. It may have been because he left his jacket inside and a deep cold had settled into the Chicago night. Or it could have been the look on Erin's face. Or maybe it was the words she had hurled at him. _Screw you, Jay. Screw you._ He stuffed his hands in his pants pockets to warn them, but he didn't move.

He deserved her words. This was the second time Erin had walked in at the tail of a conversation and overheard him make a hurtful comment out of context. But even if it was out of context, his words had been cruel, and he knew it.

But when he followed her outside and asked her if she remembered the day he proposed, he honestly hadn't expected her to lash out at him.

He had just finishing tell Antonio that he loved Erin. That he wanted to be with her regardless of her memories. Because the woman he fell in love with was still inside of her, and he loved her just the same.

He wanted Erin to get her memories because he didn't think _she_ loved _him_ just the same.

Her parting words had confused him. " _God. That's all you care about it, isn't it? Me recovering my memories so you can have your wife back. You don't care that I've been here, I've been here fighting for you, fighting for us this whole time."_

Had she been fighting for them? Had he just been blind to it?

He wasn't sure how long he had been standing outside. He stood, his eyes watching the same spot long after Erin's car had disappeared. He needed to follow her, and finally he decided to go back inside and retrieve his coat.

Antonio was already standing by the door. "I called you an uber, man." He said, handing Jay his jacket. "You can get your car tomorrow."

Jay slipped his coat on, trying to hide his shaking hands from his friend. "Thanks, Antonio." He didn't want to leave his car at Molly's, but he knew he wasn't fit to drive. He hadn't spaced those last two drinks, and his head was buzzing.

The two friends walked outside and stood waiting for the car to pull up. "Listen, Jay." Antonio broke the comfortable silence, "She walked in at the wrong time. You just need to tell her everything you told me." He put a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "Just start from the beginning this time."

Jay gave Antonio a smile, knowing his friend was trying to use humor to make him feel better, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. He waved a quick goodbye to Antonio and got into the uber, heading for home.

When the car pulled up to his house, he rushed inside so quickly he hadn't even noticed the wrong car that was pulled into the driveway. "Erin," he yelled as he walked through the house to the living room to find her. "Erin?"

He stopped short when he got to the living room. The woman sitting on his couch in her pajamas was not his wife. "Kim? What are you doing here?"

She stood immediately when she saw Jay, rushing over to where he stood. "Erin asked me to watch Sophie. Years of memories came back to her and she rushed out to tell you." She immediately regretted the words as she saw Jay's eyes light up in surprise. _Shit_. Before he had a chance to speak she continued, "But then she called me twenty minutes ago telling me she was heading home, and to wait for you here. She sounded like she was crying, what the hell did you do?"

Jay didn't answer her, but instead stood stunned at Kim's words.

 _Years of memories._

 _She rushed out to tell you._

 _Home._ This was Erin's home. Not Hank's. Here. With him and their daughter.

"Thanks, Kim. For staying with Sophie." They were the only words he could get out. So many thoughts were rushing into his mind at once.

If she remembered years of memories, then she remembered their relationship. And if she remembered their relationship, then this was home. Why hadn't she come here?

He thought if she ever regained her memories, she would come back home. She would fight for them. But what was it she had said? _I've been here fighting for you, fighting for us this whole time._

Maybe she was done fighting.

The thought depressed him as he guided Kim out the door, and it stayed with him the rest of the night.

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Erin pulled up outside of Hank's house, and turned off the car engine. She closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the head rest. She let out a huge sigh. Tears were still trailing down her face. How was it possible to have this many tears?

After a few minutes, she got out of the car and began to walk up the stairs to the front door. She unlocked the door quietly, trying not to alert Hank to her presence. She wasn't sure she was ready to talk.

"Hey, kiddo. You're home early." She heard his voice coming from the kitchen. She was surprised at how his voice loosened something inside her, making her feel a little better. Her relationship may be a mess, but she would always have Hank. The closest thing she had ever had to a father.

When she regained her memories of Jay, she regained other memories too. She remembered Camille and Justin, and she remembered how her relationship with Hank had grown even more than she had ever thought possible. He was the first person to ever give her a family, and he had continued to stand by her through everything in her life.

"Hey." She spoke softly, wiping away her tears as she walked to join Hank in the kitchen.

Hank heard her choked up voice and he looked up, taking in her red eyes and tear streaked face. "What happened?" He rushed over to her and pulled her into a tight hug. He didn't expect her to answer right away, and instead stroked her hair as she cried into his chest.

Finally she pulled away from the hug, wiping away a few more stray tears. "I remember. Up until the day Jay proposed. It all came back tonight."

He stared at her in disbelief, reluctant to release her from his arms. "I don't understand." He watched her walk over to the kitchen table and sit down. He followed before continuing, "If you remember, why are you upset?"

She filled him in on what she overheard, and as she spoke she felt the words slice through again, as if she was hearing them for the first time.

"He didn't mean it, Erin." _God, Jay is an idiot._ He and Jay had come very far since the day he told Jay that Erin was off limits. Since that day, he had given Jay countless warnings, of the 'You hurt her, they'll have to fish your body out of the bottom of the river' variety. But instead of being angry at Jay for his cutting words, he just felt sad. Sad for Erin, sad for Jay. He hadn't meant it. The past month had been so hard on both of them, and Jay was bound to say something he didn't mean over a beer with a friend.

"I'm not sure you're right about that." Erin stood and grabbed two beers out of the fridge. "He must have meant it on some level, or he wouldn't have said it."

Hank thought about that. "Okay, fine." He said after opening the beers for both of them. "Let's say a small part of him meant it." He handed her one, and took a sip of his own. "Being around you and not being able to be with you." He motioned with his hands, and then quietly slapped them down on the table. "After being married to you, after having a baby with you?" He cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows at her, "I can't imagine how hard that must be for him. I don't know what I would have done if you didn't remember me." That thought had crossed his mind several times in the past month. What if it had been 20 years instead of 10? What if she never remembered moving in with him, had never remembered their family. He would have been devastated.

Erin sighed. She understood what Hank was saying. She had said it to herself one hundred times on the drive home from Molly's tonight. Because now... now she remembered how much Jay loved her. And how much she loved him. "I know." She shook her head, "I know. But... It's hard to explain." She searched for the words. She couldn't make sense of it herself, how was she going to explain it to Hank. "When I woke up this morning, I was in love with Jay. I didn't remember anything about our life together. But this month, I fell in love with Jay all over again." She took a swig of her beer, allowing it to settle her racing heart. "And when the memories came back, I was so excited to tell him." She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "But when the memories came back, it didn't erase the last month. I don't know how to explain it. I still feel like the same person I was this morning. The same person I was yesterday and last week. I just..." She sighed, "I just remember stuff now. But nothing has changed." A tear fell down her cheek. "And I guess I'm just not sure that Jay will ever love this version of me."

Hank wasn't sure how to respond, he knew his words wouldn't be enough. So he reached out and squeezed her hand. "I love you, kiddo."

"Hank" Her voice was barely above a whisper, and she stared up at him. Her father. "I remember Camille, and Justin, and Nadia, and I just wanted to say..." she actually wasn't sure what it was she wanted to say. She searched his face, which had grown sad at the mention of those names. "I love you, too." This time the smile reached her eyes.

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Erin was exhausted this morning. After her conversation with Hank in the kitchen the night before, she decided to send Jay a brief text message saying, "I think I will just meet you at the district tomorrow. Tell Sophie I miss her." Jay hadn't responded right away, but when he did it was just with a quick "K", acknowledging his receipt of the message but not giving her anything else.

After that, she couldn't sleep. Now she was standing in the break room, pouring herself her second cup of coffee of the day. She and Hank had gotten to work early to catch up on paperwork, and no one else had gotten in yet. It felt weird being here this early, instead of picking up coffee for Jay and spending the morning getting Sophie ready for daycare with him.

She tried to push those thoughts out of her mind, and she turned to go back to her desk. She stopped short when she saw Jay standing in the doorway. "Hi," she whispered.

She had spent the entire night sad and angry. But now... with Jay standing in the doorway, his t-shirt clinging to his shoulders and arms, his eyes bright and bold... she realized how much she missed him. How much she loved him.

He didn't respond, but instead walked towards her, relaxing his body against the counter right next to her.

She didn't speak. She had used up the only word she could think of, and now she was just searching the familiar features of his face, willing her hands to stay at her side, willing herself not to reach for him, willing herself to hold on to her anger. She could feel it fading.

"I'm sorry," He said the words so quietly that if she hadn't been staring at his lips, she might not have heard them. "I should never had said those things. I just miss my wife." He hung his head low, as if he was ashamed.

When Jay said he missed his wife, he was talking about the woman standing in front of him. Memories or no memories, he wanted her to know that he loved her, and she was his wife.

But he probably should have made that more clear. Because when Erin heard those words, her anger came back with a vengeance. She shook her head, and laughed ironically at his words, "Your wife," she said with a sigh.

Jay realized then that Erin had misinterpreted his words. But before he could straighten things out, he felt his cell phone buzz in his pocket. Before he had Sophie, he would never had answered a phone call in the middle of this conversation. But things change, priorities change.

"Hello," he said into the phone. "Yes, this is Jay Halstead."

Erin couldn't believe he answered the phone in the middle of their conversation. She was about to storm out of the room, but suddenly Jay's face drained of color. "I'll be right there," he said, as he hung up and all but ran out of the room.

"Come on," he yelled to her as he ran. He stopped at his desk and picked up his coat. "We need to go."

"What's going on?" She shouted, afraid to hear the answer. He said we. That could only mean one thing.

"That was the daycare. They just took Sophie to the hospital."

xoxo

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	16. Chapter 16

**Happy new year everyone :) This story is going to be wrapping up in a couple more chapters! I hope you enjoy this one!**

Chapter 16,

At this point, Erin thought she would be used to it. After weeks of small moments returning, after last night when years of memories flooded back in a single second... she thought she would be accustomed to this feeling. But as she followed Jay into the Emergency Room at Chicago Med in search of her daughter, the familiar sounds and smells acted as a trigger and it once again stopped her head in her tracks. Her world began to spin as her breathing quickenedr.

She remembered waking up in the hospital, feeling hazy and confused.

She remembered hours before, waking up in the ambulance, Gaby Dawson inserting an IV into her arm while Hank leaned over her, crying and holding her hand.

Hours before that, she remembered being shot. The surprise of it. The unbelievable pain that followed. She remembered Hank holding her in his arms, she remembered trying to call out for Sophie, and for Jay.

She remembered earlier that day when day care had called about Sophie. She remembered the gentle kiss Jay had pressed against her lips before he left to pick up their daughter... The last precious moment they spent together before she woke up and her life had changed forever.

"Erin?" Erin heard Jay calling her name, but it sounded like it was coming from far away. She stood, trapped in the moment, trapped in her memories, in the middle of the bustling Emergency Department. She ignored his voice. She didn't want to be brought back to reality, she wanted to stand here, in this moment, in this place, until everything came back to her.

She closed her eyes and saw her daughter's face. She was transported back to the day they brought her home from the hospital.

" _Come on, Er. When baby girl's sleeping, you are supposed to be sleeping." Jay wrapped his arm around Erin's waist, and pulled her body into his. He didn't move her towards the door, but instead stood with her and kissed Erin gently on the forehead._

 _Erin knew they should both be getting some sleep, but it was clear Jay wasn't ready to move either. "I just can't stop staring at her." Erin watched her snoring daughter with awe. "I can't believe we made that." She turned to Jay, and kissed him softly on the lips. "I love you."_

 _"I love you, beautiful." He kissed her again, deeper this time. "She still needs a name. We can't keep calling her baby girl."_

 _"I know." Erin and Jay had planned on naming their baby Emily Grace. After weeks of disagreeing on names, they finally got an app that would help them decide. It had been Kim's idea. The iPhone app was similar to Tinder, but with baby names. Jay had a bunch of names on his phone, and Erin had the same names on hers. They could swipe right for names they liked, and swiped left for names they didn't. Then, at the end, the app would tell them the names they had agreed on. After only an hour, they had agreed on Emily Grace. But for some reason, when she saw her baby girl for the first time, she didn't want to give her that name. For days she had been trying to come up with a strong name, one that was suitable for their little girl. Even after the bleeding, the early labor, the emergency deliver, she had come into the world healthy, happy, and strong. "What about Sophie?"_

 _"Really?" Jay shifted his gaze from the baby to his wife. Tears brimmed in his eyes, and his arms still held her tightly at her waist. "Are you sure?"_

 _"I think our daughter would be lucky to share her name with such a strong woman." Erin said softly, leaning into her husband once again._

 _"My mom would be so happy." His face broke into a huge smile as he spoke, "I wish she could've met her. I wish she could've met you." He had no idea how he had gotten this lucky._

 _"Well, now she will always be with us." She looked down at her beautiful baby girl, still snoring away through this whole conversation. She had wondered if it would be too hard on Jay to name their daughter after his mother, to hear her name everyday. But he seemed so happy, and she was so glad she had finally gotten the courage to suggest it. "Sophie Halstead."_

 _"Sophie Camille Halstead," he replied, emphasizing the middle name._

 _Now it was Erin's turn to tear up._

"Erin? Erin?" Jay's voice dragged her back to the present, as she felt his hand grab hers. "What's wrong?"

 _Everything_ , she thought, _everything is wrong_. "Nothing," she replied, instead. "Where is she?"

"I don't know, no one will tell me anything." Even now that he had her attention, he didn't let go of her hand. He held on to it like it was his lifeline.

She was about to respond when she saw Will rushing towards them. "Will," she cried out, letting go of Jay's hand and running towards her brother-in-law. "Where's Sophie? The daycare called us, they said she's here. What is going on?" The words tumbled out of her before she even reached him. She was yelling so loudly she was sure the whole room was staring at her, but she didn't care. She needed to get to her precious little girl. Her Sophie Camille Halstead.

Jay followed, reaching Will a few seconds after Erin. His hand felt cold without hers in it. "Is she okay?"

"I was just paged, I don't know anything. I just know she's in Room 4 with Natalie. Come on, let's go." Erin didn't know which room was Room 4, otherwise she would have sprinted there ahead of the group.

When they entered the room, both Erin and Jay rushed to their daughters side. Natalie was sitting on the edge of her bed, holding Sophie's hair back as she vomited into a bucket. The pink dress and white leggings Jay had dressed her in this morning were covered in vomit, and her face was red and streaked with tears.

When she finished vomiting, Jay reached for her and lifted her into his arms. "You're okay, princess," he soothed. He didn't care if he ended up covered in vomit, he needed to hold his beautiful baby girl. "You're okay." Sophie rested her face into his chest, and he gently stroked her back over and over, kissing her hair and whispering into her ear.

Erin watched her husband calm their daughter. Her heart melted watching the two of them together, and she walked over to join them. She placed her hand on Sophie's back, "We're here, Soph."

At the sound of her mother's voice, Sophie lifted her head off of Jay's chest and looked at Erin. "Mommy?" She lifted her arms out, signaling for Erin to hold her.

Erin immediately lifted her daughter of Jay's arms and fit her snuggly in her own. When she noted she surprise in her daughter's voice, she felt like the worst mother in the world. She hadn't stayed home with Sophie yesterday when she was sick, and then this morning... she had been so angry at Jay so she hadn't gone to see her daughter. "I'm sorry I wasn't there this morning, monkey," she whispered the words into her daughter's ears, hoping Natalie and Will didn't hear them.

As if sensing that she was upset, Jay wrapped his arm protectively around Erin's waist and squeezed, trying to comfort her. It reminded her of the night they brought Sophie home from the hospital, the night they gave her her name. His actions spoke the words that neither of them could say, at least not with an audience. "What's happening with Sophie?" He asked his sister-in-law.

"We did an ultrasound, and it looks like appendicitis." Natalie stood in her dark maroon scrubs and her white coat, feeling terrible delivering this news. She knew that Jay and Erin had been through enough in the past few months. They didn't need more stress. "She is going to need surgery as soon as possible. They can take her back now, we were just waiting on your consent."

"Does she really need surgery?" Erin could feel her knees buckling, her daughter was barely two years old. She had just had surgery, and she woke up not recognizing the two most important people in her life. "Are you sure?" She was glad Jay's arm was around her waist, otherwise she may have collapsed to the floor in fear.

"I'm afraid so," Natalie answered. "But it's a simple surgery, and she is going to be fine."

"Who's operating?" Will interrupted his wife. He knew he wouldn't be allowed to operate himself, Sophie being his family.

"I've asked Dr. Rhodes." She looked at her husband, urging him not to make a scene. She knew he would rather operate himself. He was an Emergency Room physician, but he had been a surgeon in New York, and he likely would want to be involved.

"Good," Will relaxed. Dr. Rhodes had been a trauma surgeon and was now a cardiothoracic surgeon, which means he generally didn't do these simple surgeries. He was doing them a favor because it was Sophie.

"He's good, right?" Jay knew Dr. Rhodes, he knew he and Will had gotten off to a rough start, but that Will respected him a lot. But he just wanted to hear it again.

"Yes, he's the best." Natalie answered.

Everything happened quickly after that. Dr. Rhodes came in to describe the procedure. Erin and Jay signed the consent forms, and bravely kissed their little girl goodbye. Will and Natalie ushered them into the hospital room that would be Sophie's when she was done, so they could sit there instead of in the waiting room. Will and Natalie offered to track down some lunch and coffee for them, giving them some time to be alone.

Erin sat in a chair in the hospital room, her head in her hands going over the events of the past few days. It was odd. It didn't matter what was happening in her relationship with Jay. It didn't matter what she remembered or when she remembered it. They needed to be together as a family. She never wanted to spend another morning away from her daughter, ever again. "Um... Jay." It was weird, sitting so far away from him in the room.

Everything was weird. After this morning, she remembered every detail of her life with him. She hadn't told him, though. She wasn't ready for him to know. She still had a lot to think about. They had vowed to each other that they would love each other for better or worse, and the last few months... it had definitely been worse. But she felt like he had given up on her. And that hurt. She remembered Hank's words from last night, and she knew that this past month must have been hard for Jay. But she wasn't ready to forgive him yet... For forgetting their vows, for forgetting to love her.

It had only taken her a few weeks to fall in love with him again.

He was a complete stranger to her, but he had her heart.

She was his wife, but she hadn't had his.

"Yeah," he stared up at her from across the room, interrupting her thoughts.

"I want to move back home," she said softly, her eyes still resting on a spot on the floor.

Jay couldn't believe his ears. All he wanted was for Erin to move back home, for them to be a family again. He had missed her warmth on the other side of their bed. He missed kissing her goodnight, wrapping his arms around her, holding her until the morning. He was so in love with her, even more than before. He jumped out of his chair and began moving towards her. When he finally reached her side of the room, he grabbed both of her hands and lifted her out of her chair. He reached for her, trying to engulf her into a hug.

She back up slightly, moving herself out of his reach. "We still have a lot to talk about."

"I know that," he said defensively, his voice giving himself away.

"But I need to be with my daughter." Her words combined with the look she was giving him... it was all clear. Why she wouldn't hug him, why she had averted her eyes. Kim had told him she remembered years of their relationship. He had honestly thought after the anger had dissipated from last night, that she would remember how much they loved each other. That she would come home. But that wasn't it. She was coming home for Sophie... not for him.

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"She's finally asleep," Jay walked into the living room, and was surprised to see Erin setting up the pull out couch and putting sheets on the bed. Sophie's surgery had gone smoothly, and she had spent two nights in the hospital for observation. She had been spoiled by visitors with stuffed animals, games, and candy. Hank had even bought her a set of barbies, which he had swore he would never do. After Erin had agreed to come back home, they had been interrupted by Natalie and Will who came with food. They hadn't broached the topic since, instead focusing on their daughter and her recovery.

"Oh, good," Erin answered, folding down the top sheet on the mattress. The blue king size sheets from their bedroom were too large for this queen-size pull out couch, and Erin was clearly doing her best to not have the sheets drag on the living room floor. "I was thinking I would go to bed now, too. I feel like I haven't a good night sleep in days." Now she was putting the spare blanket on top of the sheets, keeping herself busy and avoiding his gaze.

While Sophie had been recovering, Jay and Erin had fallen back into their usual routine. While there was no physical contact between them, their easy conversation had returned. As her anger dissipated, her longing for him increased.

When she was done making up the bed, Jay was still standing in the doorway looking at her. Heat was rising in her body, and she tried to think of a safe topic. "I'm glad the doctor thinks Sophie will be completely healed by this weekend." She walked to the far side of the bed, increasing the space between them. It was safer that way. "She would have been crushed if she had to miss Kim and Adam's wedding."

Jay knew that Erin was going to bed early and making small talk to avoid talking about them. But coming in to the living room and seeing his wife make up a bed for herself on the couch... away from him... he didn't want to avoid this conversation any longer. "Erin," he began, "Can we talk?"

She wasn't ready. She was still trying to navigate her feelings. The anger may have been gone, but the hurt was still very much present... That being said, even when they fought, they _never_ slept apart. She _never_ slept on the couch. And now that she remembered everything... why was this fight different? They were married, they had a fight. Sure, it was bad, but she never slept on the couch.

Something was stopping her from forgiving him, from going upstairs with her husband... and she couldn't figure out what it was. And she didn't want to talk until she figured it out. "I don't know if I'm ready to talk. I still need some time to think."

He wasn't going to give up that easily. "How about if I talk, and you listen." He sat down on the side of the bed, signaling to her that he wasn't going upstairs until they had this out.

She nodded, and that was as much approval as he needed before he began to speak. "I wanted to tell you what I was saying to Antonio, before you came in and heard what you heard." She sat down on the opposite side of the bed, and he felt the bed dip under her weight. "I love you, Erin." He wished she would look at him, but her eyes were glued to her hands. He hated seeing her left hand ringless. "And I don't love you because of our history. I love you because you're you. You're strong and sensitive and sarcastic and beautiful, you're a great mother and you're the best listener. You have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known. And that's not to mention you're sexy as hell." He saw a small smile appear on her lips, and it gave him the courage to keep going. "I never stopped loving you, not for a single second. And these past few weeks. Being your partner, with the sarcastic comments and the sexy smirks, it felt so good. It reminded me of why I fell in love with you in the first place. You. Even without your memories." He moved closer to her, reaching for her fidgeting hands. He needed her to look at him. "Everything I fell in love with... it's still in there. And then, these past few weeks we would go home and spend time with Sophie and I watched you naturally flow right back into her role as a mother. It's not possible to describe how happy those nights have made me." She was looking at him now, her hazel eyes brimming with tears. But now it was his turn to look away, "I was worried that our history was what made _you_ love _me_. That's why I asked if you remembered." He hadn't needed her to remember for his sake, but for hers. "I tried for months, years even to make you fall in love with me." He laughed dryly as he said this. He had said it as a joke a million times before, but he also knew it to be true. "It took _a lot_ for you to want to be with me... to go against Hank and do this for real. And if that stuff never happened..." Now he looked her in the eyes. He was embarrassed by his words, but he needed her to hear them. "I was just some stranger. Some guy you might decided to date, but that you could just take or leave." He whispered the last few words, embarrassed at the emotion in them.

She opened her mouth to respond, but he touched his fingers to her lips, silencing them. "I told you I would talk, and you would just have to listen. You don't have to answer me tonight." With his fingers still resting on her lips, he leaned in and kissed her gently on the forehead. He kept his lips there for several seconds, breathing in her familiar scent. Then, true to his word, he stood up and left the room, leaving her in the living room, alone with her thoughts.

 **xoxoxox**

 **Please review :)**


	17. Chapter 17

Hello to all my lovely readers :) Hope 2017 is treating you all well so far! Thanks for keeping up with my story. This chapter is RATED M!

Also, if you are enjoying this story, please also go read my other one! It's already completed - it's called All The Way In! :) :)

 **Chapter 17,**

When she finally heard the last sounds of Jay walking up the stairs, Erin stood up from where she had been sitting on the pullout couch. She took a deep breath and turned off her mind, instead listening to the familiar sounds coming from upstairs. She allowed the sound of her husband's normal nightly routine to calm her.

She listened to him open Sophie's bedroom door, no doubt making sure she was truly asleep and feeling her forehead for signs of a fever. Erin began to pace the length of the living room, as she listened to Jay return to their bedroom and begin getting ready for bed. She heard the flush of the toilet, the sound of the sink turning on and off. She heard the creak of the bed, she heard the headboard quietly bang against the wall. After several minutes, there was nothing but silence upstairs. The only sound she could hear was her own footsteps as she continued to pace the living room floor. When she finally stopped in place, she could only hear her own breath.

Without the distracting noises, without the focus on Jay's getting ready for bed, she couldn't block out her thoughts any longer. Jay's words reverberated in her head, and as she retraced the words in her mind, all of the anger and the hurt began to leak out of her until there was nothing left. She let out another deep breath, and finally allowed her body to truly relax.

She walked over to the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. _God, I look tired_. She rinsed her face and pinched her cheeks, trying to give them some color. _He doesn't care what you look like, Erin,_ she scolded herself.

She was just stalling. She knew she was stalling, but she couldn't help it. She brushed her hair with her fingers, wishing she had had the forethought to bring a hairbrush. She was nervous. Except for a few smoldering kisses, her and Jay hadn't been together in weeks. Months even.

The last time they had been together, it had been slow, tender, and wonderful. They had been trying to conceive, both of them desperately wanting another baby, a sibling for Sophie. Erin had laid in bed afterwards with her legs up in the air, she had seen it in a movie and was hoping it would help. Jay had made fun of her, telling her it didn't work like that. But then he had laid next to her the whole time, intimately caressing her stomach and peppering her with kisses and positive thoughts. When she found out she wasn't pregnant, _again,_ he had laid down in that very same spot on the bed and held her as she cried. He had pressed his lips against her forehead and rubbed her back until she fell asleep in his comforting embrace.

She knew he loved her. He loved her more deeply and more completely than she had ever thought possible, and she loved him just the same. They had the kind of love she had seen between Hank and Camille, the kind she had sought her whole life.

But tonight... tonight, she wanted to feel sexy. She wanted to be reunited with her husband, and she wanted to give him everything she hadn't been able to in the past couple of months.

Breaking out of her thoughts, she suddenly remembered that she had her makeup in the overnight bag she had packed. She quickly ran back to the living room to retrieve it. She curled her eyelashes and applied some mascara, she put on some blush, and then lightly pressed chapstick against her lips. Satisfied that she looked better, she closed her makeup case and started for the stairs.

As she slowly ascended the stairs, her heartbeat quickened. Her hands began to tremble, and she suddenly wished she had the security of her wedding ring on her finger. Her finger felt naked without it... she felt naked without it. But she pushed the thought out of her head and pressed on. When she got to the top of the stairs, she stopped outside of her bedroom door. She remembered the last time she had twisted this doorknob, the memories that had flooded back into her brain as she stepped past the threshold. She remembered the memories, the night in the bar, and everything that came after it. Instead of being angry, she was deeply grateful. Grateful she had overheard what she did, grateful it had lead to Jay telling her everything he had just told her downstairs.

She took a deep breath, remembering his words once more, allowing them to give her strength. _I love you because you're you. You're strong and sensitive and sarcastic and beautiful, you're a great mother and you're the best listener. You have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known. And that's not to mention you're sexy as hell. I never stopped loving you, not for a single second._

She turned the doorknob and opened the door, and the light from the hallway poured into the dark bedroom, illuminating Jay's sleeping form under the blankets. She stopped to see if he was awake, but he didn't stir. She considered turning around. Jay had had a long day, a long week even, and maybe she should just let him sleep.

But she wasn't sure she would find it in her to to do this in the light of day tomorrow. There was something about the darkness of the night that gave her courage.

As she inched forward quietly, she noticed that Jay was sleeping on her side of the bed, using her pillow. Even though her scent was probably long gone from that pillow, his face was pressed against it, almost as if he was holding onto the memory of her in his bed. That was the final sign that she needed. The final reassurance that Jay still loved her as much as she loved him.

She walked over to the bed and slipped under the covers, and she rested her hand on his back, lightly pressing her lips to his. "Jay," she whispered.

His eyes fluttered open, and he swore this must be a dream. Erin was in their bed, her hand on his back and her eyes shining bright with love. "Er?" Her taste was still on his lips. If this was a dream, he never wanted to wake up.

"Jay, I don't need time to think anymore." Her hazel eyes never left his, but her face formed into a smile that showed off her dimples.

He turned his body so he was lying on his side, facing her. He wanted to lean in and kiss her again, to lose himself in her. But first he wanted to hear what she had to say. He needed to hear the words. He needed to know that she wasn't going to say, " _Last night was a one time thing,"_ like she had said to him so many years ago after their amazing night on the couch.

This needed to be the beginning of forever. Because once he had her, he would never be able to let her go again. He sucked in a breath and waited.

"I don't love because of our history. I love _you_ because you're you." She said, repeating his words back to him. "You are loving and considerate and protective and you're the best father to our beautiful little girl. But you're also funny and charming and sexy as hell. You are everything I could ever want in a man, and you have given me everything I could ever want out of this life." She motioned around the room, around the house and everything that was in it. "These past few weeks, I have fallen in love with you all over again. The partner, the father... the incredible man that you are. And I didn't need any of my memories to love you." She watched his smile grow, his eyes grow bright with unshed tears. "I love you. I love our life together. And getting to fall in love with you all over again has been nothing short of magical."

They were both teary eyed now, and Jay reached over to swipe away her tear with the pad of his thumb. He left his thumb on her cheek and leaned in, finally allowing himself to kiss her, to melt into her, to lose himself in her.

Erin felt his lips on hers, and she felt the world spin around her. She kissed him back mercilessly, pressing against him, clutching his shoulders, feeling his muscles hard and tense through the fabric of his shirt. "Jay," she breathed his name, as if it was the only word in her vocabulary.

Jay couldn't believe this was truly happening, and he ran his tongue over her lips, down her neck, kissing the hollow at the base of her throat. As he brought his hands down, he accidentally brushed against her breast and she let out a moan. Following her signals, he moved one hand under her tank top, cupping her breast and rubbing his thumbs hard across her nipple through the lace of her bra. He used his other hand to unhook her bra. He broke contact for a moment, only to remove her shirt and shed those extra layers between them. As her shirt hit the floor, both of his hands returned to her breasts, and then his mouth found them, too.

"Oh my god, I... missed... this." She trembled with wanting him, and she pressed against his hands and mouth, gasping at the warmth of his touch. His mouth moved slowly down her body, as he kissed and sucked along her stomach, until he found her hips, and then the space between her legs. She was already wet, just waiting for him.

She arched her hips to meet his mouth and moaned, lacing her fingers in his hair until she exploded inside, her body throbbing and pulsating under his hands. "I... need... you... now." She breathed again.

He moved his head up and she felt his tongue hot against her stomach. He licked her breasts as he slid across her skin, finally finding her mouth. Suddenly, he moved hard into her, and she felt her blood surge again with the shock of him inside her.

She broke the kiss only when her lungs needed the oxygen, and she ran her tongue along his collarbone, his neck. Her hands found his biceps, she clawed at them with her fingers and then her lips pressed open mouth kisses against them. He flex his bicep muscle while she assaulted it with her tongue, and she moaned in response. "Fuck, Er," he loved how much his muscles turned her on.

Her lips found his once more and she writhed underneath him, pressing her hips frantically against him as he rocked over and over, until finally she came again, this time in great shuddering spasms, crying out his name in her ecstasy. The sound of his name escaping her lips caused him to let go, and they reached their orgasm together in the end.

"I love you, Mrs. Halstead." Jay kissed her, murmuring her name over and over as his lips touched hers, and then they fell asleep, exhausted and deliriously happy, in each other's arms.

xoxo

Please review :)


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18,

Jay woke up in the middle of the night completely disoriented. The house was dark and silent, and with the moon blocked behind dark clouds, the only light in the room came from the small clock on his bedside table. His left arm was completely numb, and as he began to wiggle it around to gain feeling back, reality began to slowly set in and the previous night came back to him. He looked down at his arm, now full of pins and needles, and saw his beautiful wife lying on top of it, her head resting half on his shoulder and half on the pillow. Her normally tame hair was spread over the pillow, his arm, and her face. He turned his body towards her, and slowly pushed her hair out of her face. He couldn't believe she was really here, in their bed, in his arms. He buried his face in her hair, breathing in his favorite scent. The scent that managed to excite him and relax him all at the same time.

He peered at the clock on his bedside table, and calculated that he had about three hours until they needed to wake up and get Sophie ready for the day. He was too wired to sleep, worries slowly filling his mind. He was worried about his daughter, this being her first night back from the hospital. He was also worried about his wife. What if Erin woke up and changed her mind? What if she woke up in his arms, and didn't feel what he felt.

He shifted slightly to get his arm out from underneath Erin. He could worry about Erin all he wanted, but he was just going to have to wait until the morning. The minute she opened her eyes and looked at him, he would know how she felt. They had been on and off and back and forth enough times in the beginning of their relationship for him to be able to gauge her feelings when she woke up in his arms. Whether she wanted to stay or go, take a chance or run away scared.

But he could at least assuage his worries when it came to Sophie. He slowly got out of bed and quietly walked to the door of his bedroom, his eyes finally adjusting to the darkness that still covered the room. He opened the door and allowed the hall night light to guide him down the hall to his daughters room.

When he saw his daughter lying in her bed, the covers hovering at her feet, she took his breath away. It was remarkable that she could do that, even two years after she was born. Her hair was a curly mess, strewn all over her face and pillow... just like her mother's. She was the best combination of both of them and she was the most precious thing he had in his life. He brushed her hair out of her face and bent down to kiss her forehead lightly. After he let his lips rest on her forehead for a moment, he shifted his face, allowing his cheek to rest on her forehead and feel for any warmth or signs of fever. Satisfied that she looked comfortable and didn't feel warm, he went back to his room.

In the five minutes he had been gone, Erin had taken over his side of the bed. Well, to be fair, it was really _her_ side of the bed. He had been sleeping on her side, head snuggled in her pillow, since the night she was shot. Even when the scent of her vanilla shampoo faded, when the shape her head had left in the temperpedic pillow had shifted to the shape of his, he stayed on that side. It made him feel closer to her, less alone.

He went to his side of the bed and got under the covers. He reached for Erin and gathered her up into his arms once again. The exhaustion of the day set in and he wanted to close his eyes and succumb to sleep. But he didn't let himself - not yet anyway. He just needed a few more moments... A few more moments where his wife was in his arms, exactly as it should be. Just in case this was the last time.

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Erin eyes fluttered open, and she breathed in the familiar scent of her husband. Her head was resting on his chest, and both his arms were wrapped tightly around her, as if he was afraid she was going to escape in the middle of the night. _Well, I don't blame him for that one,_ she thought.

She lifted her head and watched him sleep. He was snoring lightly. She used to make fun of him for that and she used to try to shove him in the middle of the night to get him to stop snoring because it was keeping her up. But right now... right now, it was the about the best sound she had ever heard.

She looked at the clock on Jay's bedside table and realized it was nearing the time they needed to get up. She leaned over and pressed a kiss to Jay's lips. At first he didn't stir, but then when she kissed him a second time, he reluctantly opened her eyes. "Good morning, baby," she said huskily, her voice still full of sleep.

"Good morning, beautiful," he took a strand of her hair and pressed it behind her ear, letting his fingers lightly brush her face along the way.

It gave her chills, and she was sure he felt them, because his smile suddenly grew. He gazed into her eyes, but she could tell he was still a little apprehensive. She had certainly given him a million reasons to be nervous in the past, but he didn't need to be now. "I'll get the coffee, you get the little one?"

Jay just stared at her and smiled even larger, if that was possible. It was just what he wanted. Finally, finally. Coffee at home.

000000000000000

"Are you sure you have to go?" Jay and Erin were in the break room, and he was currently pouring both of them their third cup of the day. They hadn't had a case in a few days, and the days were slowly dragging along.

"Yes, Jay. I have to go," she took the coffee from him gratefully, and then leaned in and gave him a quick kiss. "But I do wish I didn't," she smiled shyly at him and then moved to sit at the table.

Jay added some milk into his coffee and then sat beside his wife. "But I just got you back into my bed."

"Our bed," she corrected.

"My point exactly," he smirked. The past two weeks had been _amazing._ The morning she woke up in his bed, everything just shifted back to normal. It was almost _too normal,_ and he had felt the need to check in with her the next night and make sure that everything was good... that they weren't moving too fast, that he wasn't pressuring her... that she wasn't still upset and hurt by everything that had transpired. She had promised him that this is what she wanted.

The month apart had almost been good for them. Well not good, but eye opening. They could have lost everything, they made mistake after mistake, they didn't communicate properly, they had been moving backwards. But now... now they were moving forward, stronger and happier than ever.

"You'll get over it," she said, taking another sip of her coffee. She used to hate slow days at work, but today she didn't mind being able to share a quiet moment with Jay in the middle of the day. It was something she probably wouldn't have appreciate before, but now meant everything to her. "Plus if you really want, I'm sure you could find another girl who would love to spend the night in your bed," she winked.

"Don't I know it," he laughed and took a sip of his coffee, mirroring his wife's actions. God, he had missed this. "But last time I let Soph sleep with me, she didn't want to go back to her own bed the next night."

"I can't say I blame her," Erin smiled as she thought of her daughter. "But I wasn't actually talking about Sophie, because I'm bringing her with me."

"What?" He asked, now genuinely surprised. "Kim's okay with that?"

"Yeah, Kim was the one who suggested it actually. She said Soph's the flower girl and therefore _has_ to be there." Kim and Adam's wedding day was the next day, and she was sleeping at Kim's apartment. She had insisted on Sophie coming, too. At first, Erin thought she was just saying it to be nice and gave her several opportunities to change her mind. But Kim loved Sophie, and she wouldn't take no for an answer.

"So what am I supposed to do all alone?" Jay asked incredulously.

"I'm sure you'll think of something," she winked at him and stood from the table, leaving Jay to watch her as she walked out of the room. He smiled, knowing that extra swing in her hips was there just for him.

000000000000

Erin woke up in the middle of the night in the spare bedroom at Kim's apartment. It was still dark, and Sophie's feet were both lying next to her face. She wasn't sure what it was that had woken her up, she usually slept soundly through the night. Suddenly, a wave of nausea hit her and she ran to the hallway to find the bathroom. She made it just in time, and she spilled the contents of her dinner and dessert into the toilet.

 _Shit, I cannot believe I am going to be sick on Kim's wedding day._ She splashed some cold water on her face and brushed her teeth, almost instantly feeling better. She walked into the kitchen looking for some crackers, needed to refill her empty stomach. She found a box of saltines and inhaled five in a row. With her mouth dry and full of crackers, she took a long sip of water. She replaced the crackers back onto the shelf, but brought the water bottle with her into her room.

When she got there, she saw Sophie lying diagonally across her bed and she stopped in her tracks. She had just vomited her entire dinner and dessert, and then immediately went in search for food. Usually when she had a stomach virus, the thought of food repulsed her. There was only one time in her life that that hadn't been true.

Armed with that thought, she grabbed her phone, shoes, and wallet, and raced out of the house. She left a note for Kim, even though she knew she would be back before Kim or Sophie even woke up. _Just in case,_ she thought. She put the pen down and rushed out of the house, still clad in her pajamas, at four in the morning. She just had a quick errand to run.

0000000000

The sunlight traveled through the blinds and into Jay's eyes as he slowly awoke. His arms felt empty and he turned to Erin's side of the bed in an attempt to fill them. It was only then that he remembered what day it was, that he realized he was alone.

He hadn't spent a night without his wife in two weeks, and he had almost never spent a night away from his daughter. It felt strange. He slowly got up and got into the shower, letting the water slowly roll down his body, as he tried to figure out what to do with his day.

00000000000

"Are you ready, Soph?" Erin whispered into her daughter's ear. Her and Sophie were in Kim's room and Erin was holding Sophie in her arms as they quietly tiptoed towards Kim's bed.

"Yes!" Her daughter responded in an excited whisper. "I'm ready!"

"Okay! One, two, three, jump!"

Sophie jumped out of Erin's arms onto Kim's bed and began to tickle her. "WEDDING DAY!" She yelled at the top of her lungs! "AUNT KIM WAKE UP! IT'S WEDDING DAY!"

Erin knew Kim had been pretending to sleep through this, but she played the part well. "It is, isn't it!" She said, smiling at her favorite little girl. Then Kim jumped up onto her bed and began dancing around with Sophie, both of them laughing the whole time.

"Come on, girls. It's time for breakfast." Erin said, lifting Sophie off the bed. Erin put Sophie down and she ran into the kitchen, leaving Erin and Kim alone. As soon as Kim stood on solid ground, Erin gathered her tightly in her arms, letting the emotion overcome her. "I'm so happy for you, Kim." Tears began to form in her eyes, but she pushed them away. "And I just want to say thank you. Thank you for everything you have done for me, and for Jay and Sophie, and our whole family. I wouldn't have made it through any of this without you, and I'm so proud to stand with you today as you marry the love your life."

Erin may have pushed the tears away, but Kim let her tears fall freely. "Your welcome," she said seriously. But then she pointed at her tears and laughed, "Better get all of this out now before we do our makeup."

"Why you do think I said it now," Erin joked, as she threw her arms around her friend and ushered into the kitchen.

Kim leaned into her friend and smiled, feeling beyond ready to start her day. She couldn't believe this day was finally here.

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Jay: Where are you?

Erin: Should be there in 15 minutes. See you at the top of the aisle? ;)

Jay had been at the church for almost an hour with Adam getting ready. He hadn't realized the girls were getting ready and taking pictures somewhere else. He had really hoped he would have a minute with Erin before the ceremony began.

Jay: I'll be waiting. I love you.

Erin: I love you, too.

"What are you smiling about? I thought I was the one getting married today?" Adam joked as he fastened his silver cufflinks.

Jay hadn't realized he had been smiling down at his phone, and he was slightly embarrassed at being called out. "You ready?" He smiled at his friend, "Because once you get married, it's _all down hill_ from there," he said shaking his head and dragging out the words dramatically.

"Oh sure," Adam smirked at his friend, "I guess I misinterpreted the past two weeks of you and Erin throwing googly eyes at each other?"

"You're right." Jay laughed and smiled even brighter. "Marriage is awesome."

0000000000000

Jay was standing in the front hallway of the church, waiting for his girls. Adam had already taken his place at the end of the aisle while Kim was outside. She hadn't wanted him to even have a small chance of seeing in her dress, and she waited until all of the guests were seated before she allowed the limo driver to pull up to the church.

Jay would have thought that that was sweet, except he _needed_ to see Erin before they walked down the aisle together. He needed just _two minutes._

As if on cue, the front door to the church opened and his girls walked through the door. "Daddy!" Sophie yelled, and she ran into his arms.

He looked down at his little girl. She was wearing a white dress with a pink sash, a flower crown on her head, and her curly hair flowed beautifully past her shoulders. "You look beautiful, princess." He said, kissing her forehead but being careful not to mess with the flower crown.

"You don't look so bad yourself," Erin said huskily, as she walked towards her husband. It didn't matter how many times she saw him, if he was in a long sleeve henley at work, if he was in a t-shirt and sweats at home, if he was lying on top of her, completely naked... he took her breath away, every time. But damn it, if he didn't look _good_ in a tux.

Jay's eyes lifted from his daughter at the sound of his wife's voice. "Wow," was all he could manage. She looked amazing. She was dressed in a floor length black gown that had small cutouts on the side and was tight in _all_ the right places. Her hair was swept back in a low bun and her lips were slashed with a deep red lipstick. "You look... Erin, you look stunning." He finally found words, but he knew those words didn't do her justice.

A slow smile spread on her lips as she stepped towards him, "Thank you, baby."

It took him a moment to remember where he was, to register that they were about to walk down the aisle together, and he still had something to do. He put Sophie down and walked towards Erin, taking her hands in his. "Erin, before we walk down the aisle-"

"I have to tell you something," she said, cutting him off.

"Okay, can I go first?" He had his speech prepared, and he didn't want to lose it. She nodded and he continued. "These past couple of months have been some of the hardest of my life, but also some of the best. I was reminded of what is important. I love you so much, and I love the life we created together." He took one hand from hers and reached into his pocket, removing the box that had been resting there all day, just waiting for her arrival. "This morning I woke up alone in our bed, and I realized I never want to wake up without you in my arms ever again. And if you feel the same way, I was hoping you might wear these again." He opened the box to reveal her shining engagement ring and her wedding band.

Now it was her turn to lose her words. Erin smiled up at her husband with tears in her eyes and simply nodded, reaching out for the rings and sliding them on to her left hand. "Thank you," her voice was barely above a whisper and she wasn't able to take her eyes off her hands. Her hands looked so much better - so much more _complete -_ when they had her rings on them, when they had Jay's hands in them.

"It's time," the voice of the usher broke through their moment, and they began to take their place at the top of the aisle. They stood directly behind Atwater, who would be escorting one of Kim's flight attendant friends.

The door opened and the couples began their walk down the short aisle. "Wait, what was it that you had to tell me?" Jay asked, realizing they had been cut off.

"Daddy," Sophie tugged on his jacket, "Pick me up!"

"You don't want to walk, princess?" They had planned to walk down the aisle, each holding one of Sophie's hands. Sophie shook her head, and Jay lifted her into his arms. "I guess that means I get to hold your hand then," he raised his eyebrows suggestively at his wife as he reached for her and intertwined her fingers in his.

"I guess so," she winked back, squeezing his hand slightly.

"Wait. We keep getting cut off. Tell me before we walk down?" Jay asked, as Atwater and the woman he was escorting were directed to begin walking down the aisle.

It was nearing their turn and she wasn't sure if she should tell him now or wait. But she couldn't hold it in any longer, so just as they began their march, she leaned over and whispered into her husband's ear. "I'm pregnant."

Then they walked down the aisle, hand in hand, as a family.

 **THE END!**

xoxo

 **Hi :) I hope you all enjoyed the last chapter. I had the best time writing this story, and I hope you all liked reading it! Thanks for sticking with me! :)**


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